DEAR ANNIE

DEAR ANNIE:

I came across your column while searching for tips on how to deal with my marital situation. I don’t know what else to do. My heart’s broken. I feel depressed, like my whole world has come crashing down on me. I have been with my husband for eight years and married for almost two years now. Things were overall great until we moved in together. I have tried everything I can to make my marriage work, but I am drained of trying.

He neglects me emotionally, always pushes me to the side like I don’t matter, picks playing video games over spending a little time with me, and generally disrespects me. I just don’t know what else to do. I have become lonely and depressed, and I feel like it is time for me to leave. Talking to him about how I feel angers him, and I feel like I have no one to turn to.

Obviously, he’s not willing to put any work or effort into keeping me around. Do you have some advice? I feel like my only option is to leave and file for a divorce. I deserve better than this. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life crying and being depressed. Recently, I’ve also been hurting due to my sister’s drug addiction. I just have so much pain in my life, and I’ve lost myself in the process of helping everyone else.

— Bruised at Heart DEAR BRUISED: I can feel how exhausted, disappointed and lonely you’ve been, trying this hard to better your marriage by yourself. This surely isn’t the way you envisioned spending your “honeymoon” period.

Before throwing in the towel, start by asking your husband to attend couples therapy with you. The first few years of marriage are a time of adjustment and compromise; it’s also long been said that they are the most difficult. Ironically, sometimes moving in with a partner — getting physically closer together — can be what drives a wedge between you. It’s crucial to make romance and quality time together a priority, despite your constant physical proximity. Never stop dating. Your husband doesn’t have to give up his video games and alone time entirely, but make it clear that his current behavior will no longer fly. He must be willing to do better and meet you halfway.

I’d also suggest checking out individual therapy focused entirely on you. Between your sister’s addiction and your marital hardships, you more than deserve to take time and find ways to lighten your own load.

DEAR ANNIE: I’m writing in response to “Lost My Daughter,” the mom who is uncomfortable with her defiant daughter “Melanie’s relationship with an ex-boyfriend’s mother. I once heard that the more you criticize, the more the other person will defend. Stop badmouthing the Jehovah mom and let her actions speak for themselves. Do your best to accept their relationship, no matter how hard that is. Melanie is an adult and has to decide for herself if this woman belongs in her life. Maybe without the incentive to defy you, she’ll realize that the relationship isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

— Been There and My Daughter Saw the Light

DEAR BEEN THERE: Sage advice, indeed, and I echo every word. We can only impact what’s in our control, and for “Lost My Daughter,” that entails her one-on-one relationship with “Melanie.” I hope they both turn their focus to that, paving the way for a happier, healthier dynamic.

DEAR ANNIE: I called a buddy of mine the other day. This is one of my best friends from college. I am trying to call my friends more. We text every day but rarely get the chance to actually hear each other’s voices.

As we are getting caught up, we start talking about work. We both run our own businesses and often compare notes. He travels a lot for his work. I do not. He tells me that his company recently purchased a private jet. He downplayed it as much as possible, saying they co-owned it and that it was only an eight-seater.

I am happy for my friend. He has three kids. He took a big risk, and it worked. He married his college sweetheart. I love this guy with all my heart.

But when we hung up, I felt bad about myself. I felt as though I was lesser than because I did not have a private jet (I can hear your readers rolling their eyes right now).

I even looked up how much his jet cost ($2 mil) and started doing the math to see if I could justify it (I could not).

Anyway, I am legitimately happy for my buddy, but private jets aside, why does his “success” make me feel bad?

— Begrudgingly Grounded DEAR BEGRUDGINGLY GROUNDED: First off, I want to thank you for your letter. You did one of the most difficult things by admitting to having an uncomfortable feeling that every human being has experienced and asked how to work on it. Kudos to the strength in being vulnerable. Of course it is natural to have mixed feelings when a colleague is more financially successful at a time. Jealousy is a natural emotion. In this case, it comes from a lack mentality. The best way is to remind yourself that you can have all the abundance you want to create.

Remind yourself that comparison is the thief of joy. So catch yourself and let it go. The best way to do that is to take a step back and look at your life — the big picture. I’m sure you have lots to feel grateful about. The more we appreciate what we have, the more we get what we want out of life.

DEAR ANNIE: This is for the woman who signed herself “Feeling Trapped.” Please keep this number for people who write in that they are in an abusive situation: National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233.

They help every race, sexual orientation and religion with resources such as shelters, protect orders, legal aid, counseling and so much more. Thank you! — DV Survivor and Advocate DEAR SURVIVOR: Thank you for sharing the hotline. We can’t print their number often enough.

“HOW CAN I FORGIVE MY CHEATING PARTNER?”

is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing. com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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