Niece lacks any consideration

DEAR AMY: This summer my 70-year-old husband became gravely ill.

A few days after he was hospitalized, his niece sent a text to his phone to say she would be coming to our city with her daughter for a 10-day-long cheerleading camp. She announced they planned to stay at our home instead of the team’s hotel.

Needless to say, I was distraught over my husband’s illness and overwhelmed with keeping his five siblings apprised of his condition every night when I got home from the hospital.

I sent my niece a text regarding his hospitalization and explained how gravely ill he was. She made no offer to stay somewhere else, and showed up at our house.

While at our home, she made no overture to help with any meals, run any errands or visit my husband in the hospital. She spent much of the time watching television on days when she didn’t attend competitions.

One evening they left dirty laundry for me to wash. They went to bed.

I was exhausted, fright- ened about my husband’s illness, and I wanted privacy at such a terrible time.

I did NOT want guests in my home whom I had met only twice. After they left, I found trash, food scraps, loads of towels and bedding to launder.

What should I have done, short of shouting, “Go away,” which is what I wanted to do?

Perhaps this letter can serve as a heads-up for people to be more considerate when dealing with ill family members. Distraught

DEAR DISTRAUGHT:

Shouting “Go away!” sounds completely appropriate, given the circumstances you describe.

You are offended by the lack of consideration, as well as these family members’ refusal to basically read your circumstances and respond compassionately.

However, some people are like that. They see a straight line pointing to what they want, and they take it.

You are facing the very first test of a caregiver, which is the need to take care of yourself, in order to take care of your loved one.

To take good care of yourself, you will have to learn to say “no,” “stop” and, yes, “go away.”

It can be very hard to say these things, but it gets easier when you realize that exhaustion and anger interfere with your ability to get through the day. Marshaling the power of a definite “no” is one way of being a strong and able advocate for your husband.

DEAR AMY: “Angry in Iowa” described childhood with an alcoholic parent.

I had a mother like hers. My mother isolated, manipulated and lied to us. To people outside the house, she was a saint. I left home and did not see her for more than a decade.

When she died, I was treated like a terrible child. No one believed me. The option of counseling did not exist during the ‘60s. Trying to Heal

DEAR TRYING: Counseling is an option now, and I hope you’ll take it.