New ‘Baywatch’ is all washed up.
‘BAYWATCH’ IS COMPLETELY WET; NOTHING CAN KEEP THIS DUD FROM DROWNING IN DISMAL DRECK
SOS! If you are among the misguided souls setting sail for the water-logged “Baywatch” reboot, consider this your final warning. No matter how many formative hours you spent killing brain cells with the camp masterpiece that was “Baywatch” on TV, or how much you might enjoy a raunchy giggle or two — not to mention pretty boys jammed into too-small shorts — this is a ’90s nostalgia shipwreck of the highest order.
Directed by Seth Gordon, “Baywatch” is all washed up.
On a beach littered with potty humor, we encounter the lifeguard superheroes of yore. Remember the beefy Mitch (David Hasselhoff back then, now the ever-affable Dwayne Johnson) a smirking beach god with protuberant pectorals? Well, he’s glistening again, not to mention breaking in a crew of scantily clad rookies such as the Ryan Lochte-style party boy Matt Brody (a pumped-up Zac Efron), twerk- happy blonde bombshell C. J. (Kelly Rohrbach) and the generic love interest known as Summer (Alexandra Daddario).
The bodacious crew spends a lot of time running in slo-mo with the wind blowing through their hair as they try to solve crimes for no apparent reason. Think Scooby-Doo in bikinis.
These spandex superheroes must band together to foil the dastardly schemes of a drugsmuggling real estate developer (Bollywood star Priyanka Chopra). Chopra looks the part of the sexy villain but she acts so badly it’s painful to watch her go through the nefarious motions. Her evil little quips have no zing, and her thugs are just plain dorky.
To his credit, the massively muscular Johnson can make even the worst dialogue snap, and his cheekiness is one of the few pleasures in this soggy pastiche of genitalia jokes.
Johnson has enough whimsy to sell even the most repetitive gag, such as the way Mitch refers to Brody as “Bieber,” “High School Musical” and “One Direction.” That sophomoric running joke may well be the fun-
niest thing in the whole bloated and lifeless movie. Alas, even Johnson’s considerable cheesy charm isn’t enough to resuscitate this floater.
As for the rest of the cast, Efron isn’t dynamic enough for the brash bad boy role and Jon Bass lacks the wise-ass snark needed to make the tubby sidekick part (Ronnie) fly. Ronnie’s adolescent infatuation with C.J.’s body parts leads to many cringe-worthy moments.
Yes, despite its nonstop parade of bulging bosoms and biceps, “Baywatch” feels flat from start to finish.
The picture is so sloppily put together that even the beaches don’t look up to snuff by Malibu standards. You almost feel sorry for David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, who both got talked into doing pointless cameos that deliver no payoff.
Certainly the less said about a morgue scene in which Brody does some- thing extremely tasteless to a corpse, the better.
When the best part of the movie by far is the slomo diving, you know you’ll need a life preserver to sur- vive this cinematic Titanic. Not even the Rock can rescue this sinker.
Contact Karen D'Souza at 408-271-3772.