Friend has a drinking problem

DEARAMY » I’m a man in my late 20s, living in New York City with a friend who is the same age. We’ve been roommates for a couple of years. We knew each other previously from college.

My roommate, “Charles,” was seeing a woman until about three weeks ago, when she broke things off. Despite this being a fairly brief relationship, Charles took it very hard and started drinking very heavily.

Time has passed since then, but his drinking habits continue.

Charles only started dating and drinking one or two years ago, so it feels a little like he’s going through phases more typical of a college student, but his behavior now is amplified by his ability to afford liquor.

It’s at the point where he starts drinking in the morning, and brings a bottle with him when we hang out in public.

Needless to say, it’s embarrassing and probably illegal.

How can I approach him and let him know that this is a problem?

I see this affecting his health, his job and more selfishly, his rent. When Charles drinks, he gets positive reinforcement (he’s more outgoing, talks to strangers, has a “good time”), meanwhile I’m feeling uncomfortable and ashamed of his behavior.

How do I help him avoid hitting rock bottom before he stops this self- destructive behavior? — Worried Roomie

DEARWORRIED » If your roommate brings an open bottle with him and drinks in public places (outside of licensed businesses), then he is breaking the law. New York City has an “open container” law, making this illegal. Bringing this up is a way in to talking to him about his drinking.

If he violates this law, “Charles” could face a serious fine, and/or be escorted to jail.

Your reluctance to talk about this openly means that he is not facing any natural consequences.

If you don’t want to spend time out with him when he’s drinking or drunk, you should say so. You say, “Whoa, how much have you had to drink today? You are too wasted for me to hang out with.”

You can also say, “You have a drinking problem. I’m worried about you.”

If he denies that he is drunk, or is forgetting his drunken behavior the next day, you might consider shooting video of him when he is drunk and sharing it with him when he is sober.

If he isn’t paying his rent, then he actually cannot afford booze, and he’ll have to move out. That is a straight-line consequence.

Please keep in mind that his drinking is not your problem to solve. Protecting him from his own rock bottom is a nice and generous thought, but you can’t do it for him.

Tell him you care about him, that you are worried about him and that his drinking is affecting your relationship. Urge him to face this, and to get help if he needs it.