Keeping debt, and dad, at bay
DEAR AMY » I’m 23 years old and currently in a lot of debt. I’ve been doing my best to pay it off.
For the past year, I’ve had a well-paying job. However, my dad is constantly curious about how much money I have.
I loaned him $1,200 nine months ago. He said that he just needed a little help with some bills.
How my parents handle their bills is none of my business. I’ve talked to my mom about it and she thinks it’s wrong of him to be asking his youngest daughter to pay his bills. She also is lending him a lot of money. Amy, I just gave him $400 to pay his cellphone bill.
A couple of days ago I was on the phone telling him about a situation I was in. He interrupted me, asking me to put more money into his account.
He has never paid me back anything, even though he says he will.
I don’t even want to answer his calls anymore because all he wants from me is money.
I love both my parents very much. Any sugges
tions?
— Daughter in Debt
DEAR DAUGHTER
» I do have suggestions. Unfortunately, all of my suggestions involve doing one of the toughest things a young-adult daughter can do, which is to be more of a grown-up than her dad.
Welcome to adulthood. We have T-shirts.
You need to initiate this conversation. Here is some sample wording: “Dad, I love you. I’m grateful to you for many things. But this has got to stop. I’m not giving you any more money. I wish you wouldn’t ask for it, but even if you do, I’m going to say no. I’m not going to discuss my finances with you. I’m on my own now. I’m responsible for my own bills. This behavior of yours is hurting our relationship. Do you understand?”
Repeat this as many times as it takes. Expect him to attempt to manipulate you further.
Your father seems to have gotten himself into a major jam. Your mother should investigate and/or force him to disclose why he is insolvent. But you are not the solution to his problems.
A great rule to follow when repeatedly “lending” people money is to convey to them, “When you repay the money I’ve already lent to you, I will consider lending you more.” This neatly spells out the arrangement, lending credibility and transparency to further transactions.
DEAR AMY » “Distraught Dad” didn’t notify grandparents right away when his child was born. You don’t seem to realize that many grandparents are horrible, pushy and intrusive during a birth. My own mother burst into the delivery room and would not leave. — Upset
DEAR UPSET » I am quite familiar with this phenomenon and so are hospital staffers. They should do their utmost to protect parents.