Parents seem fixated on race

DEAR AMY >> My parents have a habit of mentioning a person’s race or ethnicity whenever telling a story, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with the context and serves only to point out that the person is nonwhite.

For example, “The nicest Black Boy Scout came to the door” or “I saw my Chinese co-worker at the store!” or “my Filipino neighbor told me about a great book.” I’ve tried gently asking why they feel the need to share racial or ethnic characteristics of the people they encounter, but they get defensive and say I’m being too sensitive.

Is this a weird generational thing (they are early 70s)? They are kind people, but I feel that they are being unknowingly racist, and it makes me very uncomfortable. Am I just being too sensitive? Thoughts?

— Wondering

DEAR WONDERING >> Your folks are revealing their underlying perception that White people exist as the norm, necessitating a qualifying descriptor for any non-White people who might cross their path. This is the essence of privilege, and it also reflects their world as they have experienced it over the decades.

One way to push your point a bit might be to use their typical descriptor, and direct it back at them.

Here’s an example: Them: “Tom, our mechanic, said we need new snow tires.”

You: “You forgot to mention Tom’s race.”

Them: “That’s because he’s White.”

You: “Oh, well, normally when you mention people I don’t know, you say what race they are. Shouldn’t this apply to White people, too? I’m pointing this out because it’s something that I wish you would think about doing differently.”

After that, I think you should let it go. Their defensiveness indicates that they aren’t going to admit to you that they are trying to change this reflexive behavior, but you will have given them a reason to think about it.

DEAR AMY >> As I sit here with my Christmas cards, I think about how much these cards mean to me each year.

Each card that we receive in the mail is slipped into a pretty basket in our living room.

Then, on a quiet evening just before Christmas we sit down together and open them one at a time.

We enjoy them so much and consider each one a small gift from the sender, who took the time and expense to think of us.

During this pandemic year and the inability to visit so many people these “gifts” are especially precious.

— Madam in Michigan

DEAR MADAM >> Even though my own Christmas cards routinely turn into “Happy New Year” cards, I agree that — this year, especially — these missives through the mail bring even more love than usual.