Don’t move in, just move on
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend of 12 years and I are supposed to move into a house, but there are problems.
Until now, we’ve lived separately. He has a house a half- hour away from mine. Both of us have grown children. While my children have known him for 12 years, his children do not know I exist.
This is an ongoing issue for us. Two weeks ago, he took his oldest daughter ( who is 27 and married) to see the house we’re buying. He told her to pick out any bedroom she wanted. He didn’t tell her about me.
I was upset and said that he should tell his kids about me. He got mad and hasn’t spoken to me for 10 days. He doesn’t take my calls, nor does he call me. I know from past experience that he is waiting for me to apologize.
I’m worn down by all of this and depressed. I’ve invested a lot of money putting my house on the market, I’ve accepted an offer and the closing is scheduled. Can this relationship somehow work?
Fretting
DEAR FRETTING: This relationship will never work. Every single thing about it is so off- kilter that I can only imagine that you checked your brain, along with your self- esteem, somewhere along the way.
Take this current crisis as a wake- up call that will change the course of your future in a positive way. Do whatever is necessary to extricate yourself from this house deal, and start fresh. Do not communicate with this man again. Put as much distance as possible between you. His refusal to acknowledge you to others negates your existence. Start your life anew.
DEAR AMY: My father is in his mid- 80s and in poor health. Mom died several years ago.
Dad has always been miserable. He never had a kind word to say to anyone, complained almost constantly and basically has been a mean guy.
At my workplace, we have had five elderly parents of co- workers pass away in the past six months. Collections were taken, cards sent and services have been held for these family members. That got me pondering the demise of my dad and how I will not have the same kind of grief as my co- workers.
Two of my brothers have indicated that they will not attend any kind of service for him.
How do people have and hold funerals or services for family members that were not loved? Are the services just kept private? When co- workers express feelings of sorrow to me, am I being a hypocrite because I will not have much regard for his loss?
Not Sad for Dad
DEAR NOT SAD: There is no requirement ( social or otherwise) to hold a service after your father’s death. It isn’t unusual for families to have small private services — or no service at all.
You are a lucky person to work in such a compassionate environment. When co- workers ( or others) express their sympathy, focus on their actions and intent. If you don’t want to discuss the backstory behind your relationship with your father, you respond, “Thank you so much for your concern. It means a lot. We aren’t holding a service ( or ‘ we’re having a private service’).” Send questions to askamy@ tribune. com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.