Holiday meal served with smoke
DEAR AMY: My partner, “Mike,” and I have been in a relationship/cohabiting for years. We go to his mother, “Peg’s,” house for holiday meals. She cooks the entire dinner, which is nice.
However, she smokes cigarettes while doing so — before, during and after — and after being in her home, one exits reeking of smoke.
I have asthma, and even with medication it is barely managed. My partner has not asked his mother not to smoke around me because he thinks she would take offense. She probably just wants to see her son and wouldn’t miss me if I weren’t there.
When someone has invited you to her home, is it impolite to ask that person to not smoke — or should I find somewhere else to celebrate the holiday?
Asthmatic
DEAR ASTHMATIC: Your partner’s mother isn’t a random “someone” inviting you into her home. She is your de-facto mother-in-law; rather than disappearing from this holiday dinner and leaving the explanation to your partner, you should at least be brave enough to explain yourself, giving her the opportunity to adjust.
Tell her, “Peg, I enjoy coming to your house, and I’m so grateful for your hospitality. I don’t know if you are aware of this, but I suffer from asthma. Being exposed to cigarette smoking makes it worse. Would you be willing not to smoke while I’m there? If not, I understand, but if that’s the case I don’t think I’ll be able to come with ‘Mike’ this year.”
Be aware that the welcome mat points in both directions. Peg might enjoy a meal at your home.
DEAR AMY: I am throwing a dinner party, and I invited a couple I have socialized with for years.
They observe kosher dietary laws. They told me I must buy kosher wine for them; when I suggested they bring a bottle of their own, they got huffy. They said that because I am the host, it is my responsibility to make sure everyone is accommodated.
Does this also go as far as ordering a separate meal for them (which is outside my caterer’s menu and which I would have to arrange some other way) on top of everything
else I have to do?
Frustrated Hostess
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Wow — the roles of Huffy and Demanding are usually played by family members, not friends, but a good host should try mightily to accommodate all of her guests.
The opposite is also true: A good guest should try to be as low-maintenance as possible. So far, these guests are failing miserably.
If the caterer is not able to provide a kosher meal, then you should ask your guests for suggestions. If after all of your efforts you are not able to guarantee they will be served a kosher meal, you should tell them ahead of time. If you are serving wine to other guests and your local wine shop carries kosher wine, it would be thoughtful for you to provide it. But you are under no obligation to serve alcohol to any of your guests.
You should do your best to be a good host to all — after that, guests’ behavior should be taken into account when you contemplate future invitations.