Young marriage off to rocky start

DEAR AMY: I have been married to my husband for two years. We dated for two years. Somehow, he managed to hide a pornography addiction, excessive alcohol use and a temper that parallels that of a maniac.

The pornography and secret drinking (hiding bottles) began emerging eight months ago.

He has always had a temper. We cannot discuss our “differences” without him screaming, ranting and walking out. He has left to stay with family members at least three times.

Each time he does this, he throws me under the bus to his family. He has not once told them the truth about what has actually happened, and now they think I am a monster.

Should I tell his family the truth?

I want to stay in the marriage, but do not trust him. Sad Spouse

DEAR SAD: If you are close to one of his family members, you should ask if your husband has a pattern of behaving this way. Family members might be aware of his addiction issues and his habit of leaving when things get tough.

You and your husband might be able to work things out, but he may have serious problems, which would require professional help. He would need to commit to seeing a counselor with you, as well as a commitment to work on his addiction issues.

For now, you should be relieved that his response to trouble is “flight” rather than “fight.” It doesn’t sound safe.

DEAR AMY: My girlfriend of five years, “Sandra,” and I have been going through a rough patch. We’re still very much in love, but there are major life decisions looming.

Recently, Sandra has reconnected with “Marion.” They are trying to repair their relationship.

Marion invited Sandra to a party, with the permission to “bring friends,” but Sandra is hesitant to bring me along. Apparently, Marion had expressed quite forcefully during their fallout that I was a terrible person.

Do I attend Marion’s party, now that I know how she feels about me?

I don’t want to cause tension, and would hate to make Marion feel uncomfortable, but she did say my girlfriend could “bring friends.” Caught Off Guard

DEAR CAUGHT: You should go. You are “Sandra’s” long-time boyfriend.

My main questions are for your girlfriend:

Why has she permitted this person to trash you, unchallenged?

Why did she disclose to you her friend’s uncharitable assessment of you?

Why does she want you to stay home?

The dynamic between the two of you is a manifestation of how flawed your relationship is right now.