Stay simple when expressing sympathy
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When given devastating news, such as learning that a friend has stage 4 cancer, my first thought is to say, “You will be in my prayers.”
But if a friend is not of the same religious beliefs or is an atheist, this is not always appreciated. Is there another way of letting them know this?
GENTLE READER: The strange thing about conventional expressions of sympathy is that they shouldn’t seem formulaic — and yet statements are most apt to be disastrous when they are original.
Right now, the response of being in one’s “thoughts and prayers” has become so standard as to strike many people as unthinking and unfeeling. Additionally, there is the religious angle that you raise, although Miss Manners would think that a nonreligious person could appreciate a religious person’s seeking the solace in which he or she believes.
Spontaneous responses are apt to be worse. Such typical ones as instructing the person to think positively about a tragic situation, or offering assurances that it is all for the best, have a devastating affect. So does offering unsolicited, amateur advice.
It is best to stick with simple words, along the lines of “I am terribly sorry. I’ll be hoping for the best. I hope you know how much I care for you.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is attending a junior prom soon. Is a white or red corsage appropriate?
GENTLE READER: Are you into a “language of flowers” system, where some varieties or colors mean “I am dying of passion for you” and others mean “I’m real sorry I broke your lamp”?
Miss Manners is one of the few people on Earth, other than florists, who even know there was such a system, and even she has to look up the specific messages. Fortunately, it is only the young lady’s prom date who needs to ponder the choice. Let us hope he had the sense to listen when your daughter told him the color of her dress.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My step-granddaughter is getting married soon, and I planned on wearing a mid-length black and white skirt with a white blouse and a sheer cover-up. She informed me that she did not want anyone wearing white except her. The cover-up is black.
I feel she is way out of her mind. As the grandma, I will be in some of the wedding pictures and I do believe I would blend in. The moms are wearing silver. I already have the skirt and blouse, but I can go look for something else. I would love Miss Manners’ opinion.
GENTLE READER: Her first thought was that, indeed, this bride must be out of her mind if she worries about being upstaged by her step-grandmother. But then Miss Manners remembered that she hasn’t seen either of you. Perhaps you would look more striking in a black cover-up than your stepgranddaughter will in full wedding regalia.
Technically, ladies attending weddings should not wear white, black or red, although that convention is rarely observed. The real question you should be pondering is whether it is worth annoying the bride over something that can be so easily changed.