Woman is alone but not lonely

I am an only child who was raised by parents who were approaching 50 when I was born. There were no other children on the street where we lived. I attended a tiny religious school several miles from where we lived. I grew up very alone, and I learned to like being alone.

And that is my problem: I like being alone, yet everyone around me assumes that I am lonely because I’ve never been married and have no children or other social ties.

I like people only in very small doses. I can enjoy being “interested” in a new person for an hour, but then I really have no desire to ever see them again. With considerable effort I can pretend to be interested in my co-workers’ lives for 10 minutes at a time, but really all I want is to do my job and then leave so I can go do the things that make me happy.

My idea of a perfect day is to go hiking alone, and then eat solo at an ethnic restaurant that serves some type of food I’ve never tried before while socializing with the usually foreign staff, and then attending a lecture at a nearby university or go home and read. I have done many activities with other people, but I find their company exhausting. I find it stressful to pretend I have family obligations or some other made-up reason why I don’t have time to be friends.

So what do I do? Telling the truth that I’m not interested in being social, let alone being someone’s best friend, hurts people’s feelings. And telling polite lies leads people to just try harder to persuade me to socialize. How do I cope with a world that is focused on “social connection” when I am alone but not lonely?

Not Lonely Woman DEAR NOT LONELY: You should read the book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain (2012, Broadway Books).

This book is a groundbreaking look into the life and motivations of introverts; it will help you to understand yourself — and also put into context your own relationship to the “noise” of the world. There is nothing wrong with you, nor with the way other people relate. It just comes down to a difference in the need (or desire) for human connection.

DEAR AMY: I disagree with your response to “Frustrated by Family.” The woman had a much younger sister (age 21) who wanted to bring a friend to visit the older sister.

I think the younger sister wanted to bring the friend as “cover.” My much older sister was so judgmental toward me that I didn’t know how to relate to her, especially when I was a young adult. You should have advised Frustrated to be more understanding toward her.

Younger Sister

DEAR YOUNGER

SISTER: The dynamic you describe could well be in play in this relationship, but “Frustrated” didn’t present any evidence.