Wishing you and yours a happy Trumpsgiving
For some families, this year’s holiday could lead to indigestible confrontations
For the most part, Mariza Izaac is looking forward to spending Thanksgiving at the Healdsburg home of her good friend James Nunemacher and his new husband Manuel Alvarado.
But the invitation comes with a request: no talk about the presidential election.
Izaac, of El Sobrante, gets why. Nunemacher’s parents, evangelical Christians from the South, will be visiting. They didn’t have an easy time accepting his marriage. And, they voted for Donald Trump. It’s a sore spot, says Izaac, who cried for two days after the election. And Alvarado, an immigrant from Mexico, might not want to hear praise for a president-elect who said demeaning things about Mexicans and other immigrants on the campaign trail.
“James says we won’t talk about politics,” said Izaac, who herself immigrated from Brazil 35 years ago. “It will ruin the day.”
Such is the complicated emo-
tional terrain that many families and friends will navigate as they gather for the holidays next Thursday. There’s one thing most everyone can agree on: This presidential contest has been one of the nastiest and most divisive in modern history, breaking up friendships, pitting spouses against each other, and leaving many feeling emotionally raw.
That’s even the case among Trump fans. While they are celebrating a renewed sense of optimism about the country’s future, they also said they are tired of hearing their liberal friends and relatives tell them that their support of Trump means they agree with his racist, sexist and xenophobic rhetoric.
For some, the holidays have never been easy. It’s challenging enough that they have to feign warm, easy feelings for a parent, in-law or grouchy uncle with whom they share a difficult history. But this year some say they don’t think they can sit down at the table with a relative who voted for a candidate whose values are a total anathema.
“The timing is tough,” agrees Amy Dickinson, better known as the author of the syndicated “Ask Amy” advice column. “Many people who are feeling bruised by the election are now dreading the annual family gatherings — certainly if the extended family is politically divided, as so many seem to be.”
Angela, from Mountain View, said she was heartbroken to learn that her brother and his wife voted for Trump. A feminist whose family immigrated from Spain, she says she supports LGBTQ rights and would skip the gathering but doesn’t want to hurt her parents.
“Not only did I stay home the day after the election because I was so sick to my stomach that I hadn’t slept all night, but now I find out that my brother voted for Trump, as well as his wife,” said Angela, who asked that her name not be used because she hasn’t yet talked to her brother about how upset she is with him.
It may come as no surprise that Clinton supporters are feeling especially bruised, and not just because their candidate lost. Some say Trump’s campaign gave already tactless relatives the license to say things about women, minorities or gay people that were offensive or that they believe would be “unsafe” for their children to hear at Thanksgiving.
Former Walnut Creek resident Laurel Nelson, who now lives in Atlanta, says she and her husband canceled New Year’s Eve plans with her husband’s best friend after he sent her jokes about liberals being stupid and Bill Clinton being “a rapist.” When Nelson told him she was offended, he claimed, “Oh, I don’t really mean those things.”
But liberals can be just as “dogmatic” and prejudiced, notes Denise Kalm, a writer in Walnut Creek. That’s why she’s glad it will just be her and her husband this year. Actually, she didn’t set out to avoid being around opinionated friends and family on the holiday. It just turned out that no one was interested in her nontraditional menu choice: shrimp and lobster curry.
“It’ll just be more peaceful this way,” she said.
For some families, politics won’t be an issue, either because their family usually has other things to talk about or because they’re all on the same political page.
In the extended family of Dan Walden, a Walnut Creek-based owner of a health and wellness company, everyone is Republican. At their gatherings in the Sierra foothills, there probably will be some talk about the election. “I don’t expect we’ll have to pull the reins in on what people are saying,” he said. “Mostly we end up talking about football.”
Dickinson said it’s reasonable for Thanksgiving hosts to limit political talk. They can revert to the old rule that in polite society you don’t discuss religion, sex or politics at the dinner table. However, she and other experts agree it’s not realistic to ban all political talk — given that the election is foremost in so many people’s minds.
Still, Dickinson said a host can set the tone, offering a toast or blessing, along the lines of: “We are a family first and last, through lean times and times of plenty, through political and cultural strife and conflicts. Even when we don’t agree, we gather today to count our blessings and peacefully act on our best values.”
Families who view Thanksgiving as an opportunity to share civics lessons can also “role model” respect for different perspectives, said Gail Watts, a Hayward-based human rights consultant. They can show their kids how to listen respectfully to opposing viewpoints without arguing or trying to change anyone’s mind — as if that’s going to happen anyway.
“It’s not about shutting someone down,” agreed Diane Gottsman, the owner of The Protocol School of Texas, which specializes in business etiquette training. “If we are spending the entire day ranting and raving, and with those we haven’t seen in a long time, who is that serving?”
Gottsman expects the hard feelings about the election will continue for some time but that doesn’t mean people have to let the election overshadow the time they spend with people they love.
“We need to put that same energy into building new memories and experiences, and the holidays offer that opportunity,” she said. “We have to make the decision that this is a family gathering where we’re there to show gratitude and to be together.”
“It’s not about shutting someone down. If we are spending the entire day ranting and raving, and with those we haven’t seen in a long time, who is that serving?” — Diane Gottsman, the owner of The Protocol School of Texas, which specializes in business etiquette training