Outed uncle wants to babysit

DEAR AMY: My husband’s very religious family has serious issues with him being gay. His brother, “Steve,” outed him in high school. He was forced into therapy, cut off financially and put through hell.

In the past few years most of his family has started to include both of us in their lives — except for Steve.

Steve and his wife live near us, and in the five years I have been with my husband we almost never see them, despite repeated attempts on our part.

They recently had a child. My husband loves this child and wants to be a part of his life. He was visiting them twice a week to see his nephew.

One day he mentioned to his sister-in-law that if they ever wanted a night out we would be happy to babysit. She said no, because male family members were the most likely to molest their child. She is a licensed family therapist.

We are furious and hurt. I decided to look up the statistics. Her assertion is just pure homophobia.

I no longer feel comfortable even being around them, because I am worried that at any moment I could be accused of something.

This is tearing my husband apart. They know this has upset us and have done nothing but say, “It’s not just you, but we wouldn’t let any male relative babysit.”

Part of me wants to be vindictive and “out” her for her personal beliefs to her gay clients, but I realize that would be pointless. What should we do?

Furious

DEAR FURIOUS: I’m not sure where you and your sister-in-law got your information, but according to statistics published by the Department of Justice on the National Sex Offender Public Website (nsopw.gov) “An estimated 60 percent of perpetrators of sexual abuse are known to the child but are NOT family members, e.g., family friends, baby sitters, neighbors.”

I guess it’s possible that this woman is a good therapist, but she’s a pretty poor family member, and she obviously doesn’t give a hoot about insulting you.

Given their attitude toward you two, you are correct to be extremely cautious and self-protective regarding the baby. Neither of you should be alone with the child, to avoid accusations. Because your sister-in-law has been so honest with you regarding her monstrous assumption, you should be honest with her about how this affects you, your relationship with them and with the child.

Be prepared, however — they may not care.

It is a very tall order for you to remain in this child’s life, but I do think you should try. Walk this road with your husband.

DEAR AMY: I got shivers down my spine when I read the letter from “Two Decades of Guilt,” who was wondering if she should report the men who sexually assaulted her 20 years ago. Thank you for encouraging her to go to the police.

Been There DEAR BEEN THERE: I have received dozens of responses from others who say they have “Been There,” and all are cheering her on.