United ‘sorry’ comes too little, too late

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz ought to be forcibly removed from his desk chair, banging his head against the arm, and then be dragged — screaming — out of his presumably lavish office.

The idea of literal eyefor-an-eye punishment is barbaric. But every once in a while, wouldn’t it be satisfying?

On Sunday, United passenger David Dao was forcibly removed from his seat on a United flight in Chicago, his head gashed open, and dragged down the aisle and out of the plane because some latearriving United personnel needed to get on the flight. Naturally, somebody captured this on video that went viral — viewers in China were particularly appalled, we’re told — and social media lit up with United bashing. Our favorite new United slogan suggestion: “Putting the ‘hospital’ in hospitality.”

It was a visceral human reaction. Who has not, at one time or another, felt disrespected by an airline?

On Monday the CEO dusted off a version of the “I’m sorry if I offended you” faux apology used when people really mean, “I’m sorry I got caught.” Hereabouts, we think of this as the Brock Turner defense.

Munoz said there would be an investigation, but personnel appeared to have followed the rules. “Re-accommodate” is the word he used for this process. (As in, “Psst, buddy, hand over your wallet or I’ll ‘re-accommodate’ you.”) A follow-up statement added little.

On Tuesday, Munoz abandoned his earlier equivocation and “deeply” apologized to Dao. Possibly because United’s stock price had taken a hit.

There are rules in the fine print of United contracts that provide for removal of passengers in certain circumstances. The airline did offer $800 vouchers for voluntary deplaning, which is pretty generous. So what does it tell you that nobody took the offer? That everybody on that plane really, really wanted to get to their destination on time.

What United and every airline should do in a case like this — having to bump someone after they’ve actually boarded and settled on a plane — is keep upping that buyout offer until you get takers. That would show consideration and respect for customers.

And if it’s not worth spending more money to do that, then just don’t bounce anyone. Pretend the plane was already taxiing when the airline crew showed up at the gate looking for a ride.

Here’s another suggestion for Munoz’ company rules: “When you follow procedure to the letter, but things go wildly wrong, use good judgment.”

Somebody may need to explain to him what that is.

On Tuesday, Munoz “deeply” apologized to Dao. Possibly because United’s stock price had taken a hit.