Ignored tantrum will eventually run out of steam
QMy 3-year-old throws tantrums all the time. When she does it at home, I can handle it. But when we’re out in public and she goes nuts, I find it very hard to cope. I’ve tried time outs, taking away treats and pretty much everything else short of spanking — which I don’t ever want to do. But she just keeps resorting to tantrums as a way to get what she wants. And I have to admit that sometimes I give in just to get her to calm down. What can I do to get her to find other ways to express herself?
AThe first thing you need to do is stop giving in — ever. By caving to your daughter’s blackmail (and that’s exactly what it is), you’ve shown her that, if she keeps up the tantrum for long enough, you’ll eventually pay up. But you won’t do that anymore, right?
So let’s look at some better approaches.
One of the most effective is to ignore the tantrum. If you’re at home, just turn around and walk out of the room (not too far, though — since you want to make sure your daughter won’t be able to hurt herself or anything else). Without an audience, a tantrum is way less effective.
Naturally, this approach won’t work if your daughter has thrown herself down in the middle of the cookie aisle at the grocery. In cases like that, pick her up and take her to the car, where she can scream to her heart’s content while you stand outside checking email on your phone (or pretending to). The point is for her to see that you’re not paying attention to her.
Ignoring tantrums will likely help, but wouldn’t it be great if you can keep them from happening at all?
Keep track of the times and places your daughter throws her tantrums. If a pattern indicates it’s when she’s tired or hungry, taking her food shopping at those times will have predictable results.
Another tantrum-avoidance technique is to talk with your daughter before you go out, so that she knows exactly what kind of behavior you’re expecting.
You might also want to offer a small incentive: “If you behave nicely while we’re out, I’ll make your favorite dessert when we get home.” This is different from a bribe, which is paid in advance.
Praise your daughter’s calm behavior if she behaves well during the outing. Although they don’t always act like it, kids really do want to please parents.
Perhaps the best tantrum-preventing idea I’ve heard comes from Dr. Myrna Shure, author of “Thinking Parent, Thinking Child.” She calls it the “same/different game.”
During a calm time, ask your daughter to pay attention while you do two things, such as clapping your hands and then flapping your arms. Next ask, “Did I do the same thing both times or something different?” Of course, she’ll say “different.” Play the game for a few minutes every day, and make it fun by incorporating some silliness. For example, ask her whether a goldfish and a dog are the same or different.
Next time your daughter shows indications a tantrum is on the way ask, “Can you think of a different way to tell me what you want?”
Chances are, that will stop her in her tracks. This technique is part of Shure’s “I Can Problem Solve” method. For more than 30 years, it has proven extremely effective.
Give it a try, and please let me know how it goes.