Should twins be treated equally?
Q My husband and I have 2year-old twins — a girl and a boy. And we both love spending time with them. But I’ve noticed that he and I have very different styles, in several ways. We do different activities with the kids. And I’ve also noticed that I do a better job of treating the kids the same, while he treats our son very differently from our daughter. What’s the best way to play with a toddler? And isn’t it better to play with the two kids in exactly the same way? A The short answers to your questions are: (a) there’s no such thing as a “best” way or a “right” way to play with children; and (b) it’s impossible to treat two children in identical ways — whether they’re the same gender or not.
Moms and dads typically have very different play styles, with dads leaning toward louder, more physical activities and moms toward quieter, less-physical ones. Neither approach is better than the other. For the first few years of life, kids learn almost everything about the world through play. And they’re learning different — but equally valuable — lessons from each of you. So the “best” approach is for your kids to have both.
Dads generally encourage independence, allowing children to take more risks and learn from the results. Moms tend to be more cautious and protective, encouraging children to take fewer risks. (Of course, not all moms and dads fall into these broad generalities.) Again, the best approach is both.
Here’s how this might play out: Imagine that you’re in a park and your kids are climbing a jungle gym. You may want to stand close to the bottom, ready to catch a falling child and warning them to be careful and that they’ve gone high enough. Your husband will most likely be standing a bit further away, encouraging them to climb higher. Or if you’re walking with your kids, and one of them falls, your husband will probably wait a few seconds longer than you before helping.
Dads tend to be more physical with, and encourage independence in, boys than girls. Dads respond more quickly to fussy or crying girls than to boys, and will pick up a daughter who has fallen sooner than a son.
Interestingly, when it comes to gender roles, moms and dads are equally likely to support stereotypes. They’re fine with dressing a girl in blue or pink giving her the option to be anything she wants. But the same parents would be apt to balk at dressing a son in pink. Similarly, while they might encourage a girl to play with trucks and other “boy” toys, but they’re less likely to encourage a boy to play with dolls, unless they’re superheroes or soldiers.
While it might seem like a nice idea to treat your son and daughter the same way, that’s never going to happen. The best you can do is give them both the same options and support the choices they make.
A few years ago, I interviewed a mother of boy-girl twins who, like you, tried very hard to create a gender-neutral environment at home. So she was very surprised that her daughter often wrapped up toy trucks, gave them bottles and rocked them to sleep. And she was equally surprised that her son tore the heads off Barbie dolls and used the legs as guns.