Be careful describing ex to your 4-year-old
DEAR AMY: I have a 4-year-old daughter. Her father and I separated when she was a baby. We share custody.
He has a history of being hostile to me, including threats and insulting emails, yelling for hours, not helping with chores or bills, etc.
While he can be a jerk to me, he is caring and affectionate with our daughter.
When he picks her up, he waits outside. Last week she asked, “Why doesn’t he come inside?”
I provided a one-sentence factual answer with age-appropriate vocabulary: “Because he was mean to me and the cat.”
I have never given her details of the hurtful words and actions I endured. She repeated the phrase to him and he sent me texts demanding answers.
I want them to have a healthy parent-child relationship, and I do not want to cause drama or problems for her. Typically, I do not talk about her father in front of her. But as she ages, how do I answer her questions about him? Wondering Mom DEAR WONDERING: You might have used ageappropriate language and concepts with your 4-yearold, but you also burdened her with knowledge she doesn’t have the maturity or context to handle.
You also called her father a “mean” man, and then you sent her out into the world to be with him! How confusing for her.
Children your daughter’s age are just starting to understand the concept of friendships, so you could frame your situation in those terms. You could say, “Daddy and I are trying to be better friends, but for now I just want to wave to him when I say goodbye to you. The most important thing is that we are both cuckoo-bananas about you, and I’m really happy that he is such a good daddy.”
There is never a need for you to tell your daughter that her father is a mean jerk. Unless he presents a danger to her, this is one case where you should not be completely factual in order to allow your daughter to form her own relationship with him.
DEAR AMY: My fiance and I are getting married this summer. When we got engaged, we told my sister that she would get a “plus one” to bring to the wedding.
She immediately said she was going to bring her best friend. I cautioned her at the time that she should wait to invite this friend, in case she got a serious boyfriend.
Fast forward to now. She is in a serious relationship, and my parents are pressuring us to allow her to bring both the boyfriend and her best friend.
Am I wrong for my firm stance that she needs to bring just one person? Upset Bride to Be
DEAR UPSET: If your sister comes to you with this dilemma, you should talk to her about it. There is a possibility that another guest will not be able to attend; if somebody backs out, you might be able to squeeze in her extra guest.