Fathers can help daughters by playing dolls with them
Q A few years ago, I read an article you wrote about why dads should play with their daughters. My husband is a pretty traditional guy, and he has a real problem playing with our 4-yearold the way she wants to play (tea parties and dolls), not the way he plays (sports and superheroes). How can I encourage him to get over himself and do what’s best for her? A The place to start is to give your husband specifics about the many ways playing with his daughter will help her. First, it’ll make her happy — and that’s incredibly important. Second, he’ll be helping her learn skills that come in handy as she grows.
Some are pretty basic, like the fine motor skills she’ll use for buttoning, snapping, tying and so on. Others will have longerterm utility, such as empathy, imagination and the practical soothing and caring skills that can help her if she has a family of her own.
A growing body of research shows conclusively that daughters of dads who play with them grow up to be more assertive (in a good way), get better grades in school, are more self-sufficient and are even less likely to smoke, abuse drugs or alcohol or get pregnant or go to prison as teens. What man wouldn’t want to give his daughter such benefits?
When he plays with your daughter, your husband is also sending strong messages about gender roles. Joining in her games tells her that he — the first man in her life — supports her as she is. Her interactions with him will serve as models for how she’ll expect to be treated by men later in life.
Playing with dolls also will challenge some traditional gender attitudes he may be carrying around. Once he gets over the initial discomfort, he’ll realize that doing “girl things” doesn’t diminish his masculinity. They might even strengthen it.
Aside from genderrole issues, your husband may be afraid because he doesn’t know how to play with her. Kids are remarkably forgiving, and your daughter will be delighted to teach him.
Of course, none of this means your husband should drop the typical “guy things” he likes to do. As the dad of three daughters, I’ve learned that girls are no more fragile than boys, and I urge him to treat your daughter the way he’d treat a boy, while remembering to take his cues from her.
Chances are, she’ll love wrestling with him, but he should learn how to braid her hair and be prepared for some tea parties and dress-ups. He can also take her to the batting cages, coach her girls’ softball team and make sure she gets to go to the ballet.