Impact of mom’s aimless dating

DEAR AMY >> I am a male. My best female friend is a divorced mother of two. Her kids are a preteen and an adolescent — a boy and a girl.

My friend is very lonely. She is going out of her way to make sure that her kids have a male “father figure” in their lives. She does this almost to a fault. I have tried telling her that she is enough, that the kids truly do love her, and that those of us around her are more than glad to pick up the slack, but it often falls on deaf ears.

I believe that a lot of aimless dating isn’t really doing much good for her, or them.

Is there any way she can be convinced that what she has is adequate and healthy for her kids and that she should concentrate more on herself? — Worried Friend

DEAR WORRIED >>

You’re right — aimless dating because of loneliness, guilt, or desperation is not good for your friend or her children. Having positive male role models in their lives is definitely good for the kids, but having various men passing through the family as your friend searches for her next partner is confusing, and doesn’t help the young siblings to grasp positive relationship values. Spend time with your friend and her children, and urge her (privately) to relax into her new reality and help her children to enjoy their life as it is, now. You and other male friends and family members should be a positive presence in the life of this family.

DEAR AMY >>

I have been fortunate in my life and have been able to travel, especially with my husband. My single and cashstrapped sister has not been so lucky.

I am planning a road trip for my 50th birthday, and I will pass up visiting a place which my sister and I have talked about going to, because my sister does not want me to go to this place out of respect for her.

I have offered to take her places (and have taken her places), but she rarely wants to go — and sometimes she has trouble getting off of work. It is also hard for me to afford the cost of a trip for two people.

I love my sister. She is my best friend. I feel I am generous to her throughout the year, and I am hurt that she wants to restrict where I can travel. Am I being insensitive? Is she being unfair? — Wary Traveler

DEAR WARY >>

Your sister does not own the globe. She does not get to call “dibs” on locations — especially if she has previously refused to visit these places with you. But you should not ride shotgun on your own guilt trip.

It is unfortunate that your sister can’t always accompany you on all of your travels, but she is just going to have to manage her own feelings about this, without micro-managing you. The more positive way to handle this would be to try to enjoy your own life to the fullest without unnecessarily calling attention to it or lording it over her, and also generously sharing some experiences with her.