Seeking to improve communication

DEAR AMY >> Lately, when my wife asks questions, she is really dissatisfied with the answers.

Can you suggest a book I could read that would help me listen better to her questions, and provide shorter, on-point answers without extra or extraneous exposition?

Communicating with her using the speech patterns that I have always used will not work, as she doesn’t accept that anymore. — Wondering Husband

DEAR WONDERING >> I like the book, “Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict,” by Jonathan Robinson (2012, Conari Press).

Robinson is a couples therapist who offers a number of practical tools you could use to try to reset this dynamic. He believes that each person needs the “three A’s” to communicate well: Acknowledgment, appreciation, and acceptance. This means that you could start by “acknowledging” your wife’s position, even if you think it’s wrong: “I can see that you disagree with me because your experience has been different than mine.”

Communication is not only through words, but through behavior. Changing some of your nonverbal communication (and understanding hers) may offer you a useful perspective and deeper understanding of why you are in a rough patch.

I also need to add that it is not always necessary to have your point of view validated. If your wife asks a question and you answer it respectfully and to the best of your ability, then she should be free to accept or reject your answer, without you feeling that you have somehow “lost” a round in the communication sweepstakes.

DEAR AMY >> The daughter of a friend is 25 years old. She and her latest boyfriend came for a visit and stayed in my home, ate with us and used my car for about a week.

Recently, this girl and the boyfriend broke up. Then she lost her job. My husband is currently working out of the country.

The girl contacted my husband to say she would like to get away and would like to stay with me in our house. She booked her trip and never contacted me. I sent her a text: “I thought you needed to get away and clear your head. I think when you are done with your friends you need to go home.” I have not heard from the girl or her mom. What do you think of this? — Hostess with the Leastest

DEAR HOSTESS >> I think your response was completely appropriate.

The good news is that you are likely permanently off of this family’s list of housing options.