Teacher is violating boundaries
DEAR AMY » My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have three boys.
My wife is a high school teacher. She teaches higher-level math, and we have always had her students over at our house for help outside of school.
I have always been supportive of this, but last year she had a student who didn’t really need help come over. This student has a job and family in the same town, but he has basically moved in with us.
On top of that, my wife has been helping him start up a side business and has been working on jobs with him.
I am starting to get the feeling that something is up. He is never at the house when it’s just me and the kids there, but shows up after my wife gets home, and if my wife has to run to the grocery store, he goes, too.
We have a family vacation coming up, and my wife invited him and a friend of his to go with us. I wasn’t asked beforehand. Now it seems that because of the lack of space in the vacation house, I have been basically disinvited — it will just be the kids, the two teens and my wife there.
I have tried to talk to her, but she doesn’t seem to see where I am coming from. I don’t think that there is anything going on between the two of them, but I do feel like she enjoys his company more than mine. Am I making too much of this? — Very Frustrated DEAR FRUSTRATED » You have a voice, and you need to use it. Stop trying to explain yourself, and start exerting your right to be a full partner in your marriage and family. That includes the right to call out your wife’s outrageous behavior.
No teacher should conduct tutoring sessions at her home. No teacher should invite a student to live with her.
No partner and parent should start up a side business without her partner’s full assent, or invite people on a family vacation and then maneuver to keep her husband at home.
The way you describe this scenario, your wife is violating all personal and professional boundaries. You should stop being so passive, and confront her. Given what you describe, she is at risk of losing her job. And given the alarming implications of what you describe, she should not be working with young people.
DEAR AMY » Responding to a recent question from a mother-in-law, you wrote: “Frequently, it seems that young wives dictate the couple’s social calendar, and so you should try to carve out some reasonable time with them — because this dynamic will only grow stronger if they decide to have children.”
Emotional labor is a joint responsibility.
I would rewrite your comment to say, “Frequently, it seems that young husbands abdicate family responsibilities, leaving their wives to make all plans, and so you should impress on your son that it is his responsibility to stay in touch with you.” — Sally
DEAR SALLY » I completely agree with your rewrite. Thank you!