It all started with Snapchat

DEAR AMY >> My wife and I have been together for 15 years.

We have three children.

I would describe our marriage as normal; we’ve gotten into arguments, but things always tend to bounce back to normal after a few days. There has not been any abuse of any kind. Our house is a healthy one.

We agree on all the major topics, such as politics, religion, money and childrearing.

About a year ago, she started a new job. After an argument, she said that we aren’t soulmates, that I don’t “get” her and that she thinks we should get a divorce.

In 15 years, she never mentioned these things to me, so it came off as a red flag.

After some snooping, I found out she was Snapchatting with a (male) coworker. I was devastated. I immediately went into save-my-marriage mode.

We went to counseling, I worked on the aspects of my personality that she didn’t like, and I changed some behaviors.

She promised to maintain only a professional relationship with the guy at work.

She has since canceled our counseling because she says it’s not working. She has moved out and, come to find out, she’s been lying to me because she never stopped talking to him!

Our cellphone bill shows she would call him two to six times a day, almost every day.

When I confronted her, she claimed he is only a friend, their conversations just flow, and he’s a good sounding board, since he doesn’t know our entire history.

Am I a fool to believe this?

She says we should break up because of our past and brings up all of our past arguments. But I am willing to work on those things and try to become a better person, husband and father.

Is she just using our past as an excuse to be with this guy? I’ve lost weight, have trouble sleeping and eating, and have gone on antidepressants.

— Feel Like a Fool DEAR FEEL LIKE A FOOL >> Brother, I have walked in your shoes. I’m very sorry this is happening to you and your family. But it will get better for you.

Your wife says she has given up on counseling because it “isn’t working.” The reason counseling isn’t working is that she does not want it to.

At this point, I hope you will focus on your own health and healing — and on the emotional health of your children. In short, you cannot control your wife’s feelings or her actions. You do you.

A groundbreaking book that may put some of this behavior into focus for you is “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli (2004, Atria Books). This classic “how to” on how to rebuild a relationship will put your wife’s behavior into context.

It also offers a roadmap to recovery, which might work for you (and your wife, if she is willing to try).