Widow enjoying the rebound
DEAR AMY » Iama 51-year-old woman. My husband died two years ago.
I started talking to a man through one of the online games I play. It started out as mild flirtation. I asked him if he was married. He told me his marriage was basically over. He hadn’t felt anything for his wife in quite a while.
I thought that was a safe answer, and we decided to meet in person. I felt like we had known each other forever.
We’ve “been together” for seven months, and he is still with his wife. We don’t get to see each other very often, but he calls me every day. We love each other. He tells me he needs time to think about how to get out of his marriage without losing everything he’s worked so hard for.
He also has a job where he is required to live in his city, so moving in with me is not an option right now. I have a 13-year-old daughter living at home.
My adult sons are happy that I found someone, but are not happy that he is married, obviously.
He has brought me so much happiness when I was going through so much darkness. I don’t think I’m rebounding.
Everyone tells me that he won’t leave his wife, but he doesn’t even sleep with her. There is no love in their marriage.
How long is too long to wait for someone to make up his mind? — Wondering Widow DEAR WONDERING » People who are rebounding usually don’t realize that they are rebounding. That is the selfdeluding magic of a romantic rebound.
When someone says that his marriage is “basically over,” one response is: “Well, when it is actually over, I hope you’ll let me know.”
As it is now, he is “basically” committing adultery. This is not what good, steady, reliable, honest and loving people do.
If your daughter liked a guy in middle school who already had a girlfriend, would you tell her to charge ahead, regardless? Are you modeling positive relationship behavior? Because — make no mistake — she is watching.
Because you are willing to be in this relationship, he has little incentive to change his life. I predict that whatever timeline you impose on his adultery, he will find ways and reasons to extend it.
I hope you will take this experience and use it to meet other people who are more available to be in a fully committed relationship with you.
DEAR AMY » I’m responding to the question from “Frustrated,” who was trying to cope with the heartbreak of living with (and caring for) her heroin-addicted daughter, who is currently sober.
Thank you for suggesting that these parents should seek peer support through Nar-Anon. Meetings really helped me during times when my family was hanging by a thread. — Sober Survivor DEAR SURVIVOR » “Friends and family” support groups have helped countless people struggling with a loved one’s addiction. Sometimes, “the chairs” are really a lifeboat.