Mom bullies son about weight
DEAR AMY » Long story short: I’m 47, gay and single. I’ve spent the past eight years living away from my family of origin.
I recently moved back to my home state, although
I live about two hours away from my family. My problem is my widowed mother, who’s 77. We haven’t had the best relationship lately because she refuses to recognize boundaries.
The biggest issue is my weight. I’m overweight, and I know it.
Every time I see her she tells me how fat I am, and that I shouldn’t be eating the dessert she made, even though I’ve asked her many times not to comment on my weight.
She’s planning on visiting me soon, and I know the first thing she’ll say to me is how fat I am and how she’s just concerned about my health. If I object, she declares me to be too sensitive.
I get it. I know I’m fat, but I’m just tired of hearing it from her. I’ve told her many times I don’t appreciate this.
I get the feeling that she doesn’t really care about my health; she’s just embarrassed to be seen with me. (And really, I’m not obese, or even that fat. I have some belly fat, like many men my age.)
If she disparages my weight when she visits, my inclination is to say, “I’m done” and walk away. Do you have any advice for enduring what is likely to be an unpleasant visit? — Not So Fat DEAR NOT SO FAT » It’s quite challenging to declare, “I’m done” and then walk away — when the person you’re walking away from is actually visiting your home. Rethink this reaction during your mother’s visit, but definitely put the possibility of walking away into your reaction basket for another time.
If your mother starts criticizing your body while she’s with you, you should make eye contact and say to her, “Mother, no. This is not open for discussion. I won’t talk about your body and you won’t talk about mine. Do you understand that?”
She will likely sputter, and attempt to explain her reasoning, but you will have said your piece, and you shouldn’t respond further. Just stay silent, keep your body language neutral and simply wait for her to stop.
After that, if your mother doesn’t get the message and you find it so intolerable or bullying that you believe it’s worth severing your relationship with her, you can commence your plan to walk away. I hope it won’t come to that, and that you two figure out how to communicate differently.
DEAR AMY » I felt terrible for “Nanny in Need,” the young nanny who seemed to feel pressured to take a dog that had been bequeathed to her client-family.
Thank you for suggesting that she ask for a raise for all of the extra chores. — Been There DEAR BEEN THERE » I appreciated her concern for this dog, which had landed in her lap. I hope she can mentor this family to become more responsible stewards to this animal.