Should wife be told of affair?

DEAR AMY » Iama father with three kids. My family life seemed to be ideal, but then I learned that my wife was having an affair for the last two years of our 16-year marriage. I was blindsided. A few years have passed. I am now in a great place.

A year ago, I was out to dinner with a colleague. “Bradley,” a guy I know through our mutual professions, walked in with a woman who was not his wife. They were doing shots, and the body language became intimate and very inappropriate for a married man out with a woman who is not his wife. I left that night and never told anyone about it.

Recently, I overheard several people say that they, too, have witnessed Brad and this woman.

I do not know Brad’s wife, but I feel compelled to do something. If she knows about this and wants to stay in the marriage, or wants to divorce, that’s her choice. I just don’t think she should be the last to know, like I was.

Should I tell the wife? Should I confront Brad and give him a chance to come clean? — Cheated Upon

DEAR CHEATED » If you believe these reports amount to confirmation, and if your experience tells you that informing the wife is the most ethical choice, you should find a way to tell her.

Over the years of writing this column, I have heard from many people who, like you, were in marriages with unfaithful partners. All said that in retrospect, they wished someone with awareness of the affair had told them, and that being the last to know was a humiliation.

DEAR AMY » I am a female college freshman. During high school I discovered I am bisexual, but I’ve never had any relationships.

This fall I started hooking up with a girl who lives in the dorm next door. It started out as platonic — two friends having fun — but now I am starting to feel more for her.

I’ve talked to her about it, and she said she wasn’t sure how she felt about me, and that she has always had trouble identifying how she feels about people. I told her I wouldn’t press her, and we agreed we are content with our relationship.

I would like to go out with her, but I don’t know if this is possible. I don’t want to get hurt. Is it better to cut things off now, or should I keep having fun? — Queer and Confused

DEAR QUEER AND CONFUSED » You are having a fairly typical experience for someone at your age and stage. And I’m here to tell you — it will hurt. A relationship out of balance always hurts.

You’ve been honest, and you are accepting the limitations your neighbor has placed on the relationship. I can’t tell you definitively to stop seeing her, but I will tell you this: Your experience with her has already peaked. Your continued involvement will require that you compartmentalize your feelings. And then you’ll arrive at this question: Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t know how she feels about people?

And you will realize that you deserve better.