Relative berates autistic teen

DEAR AMY >> My 22-year-old niece told my teenage daughter to “shut up” during our Thanksgiving meal.

The problem is, my daughter has severe autism. She makes odd and loud noises. She rocks. She has a hard time sitting still.

This is not the first time that my niece has been unkind and harsh to my daughter. And even though my daughter may seem like she’s in her own world, I promise you, she’s a smart cookie and I am certain that the words and ugly looks directed at her have an impact.

My husband says we should just stop going to family functions to spare our daughter and ourselves from the stress.

I’ve told my niece pointblank not to talk to my daughter like that, but it keeps happening.

I guess she’s just young and ignorant, but I know lots of amazing young adults who would never speak that way to anyone, much less someone with a different ability. If she were a paraprofessional at school and did this, she’d be fired.

It is hard enough dealing with strangers who don’t “get” my daughter, and can be rude and unfriendly, so it’s doubly hard when it’s family.

My sister won’t do anything about it. My husband and I have strategies to help our daughter calm down, but they don’t always work, and sometimes she just needs to express herself as she does. And it’s almost always a joyful and happy expression. I actually enjoy her sounds. The kind people in our lives enjoy them, too.

Anyway, I am at a loss. Please help.

— Concerned Mom

DEAR CONCERNED >> I agree that your niece’s behavior is unacceptable. But please don’t stop attending family events. Connecting with family members who understand and love your daughter, just as she is, is good for all of you.

You should reach out to your niece and tell her, “Your cousin has autism. The noises she makes are part of the way she communicates. She cannot always control her behavior. You don’t have autism; you can control yours. I understand that being around her seems to make you very uncomfortable, but your behavior toward her is unacceptable.” If there is a book or resource describing autism that you can share with your niece, education might help her to modulate her own behavior.

DEAR AMY >> I identified with the letter from “Confused.” Her longtime boyfriend’s parents displayed large pictures all over their house of the boyfriend and his ex-wife.

My mother-in-law did this, and it made us so uncomfortable. Finally my husband had a private talk with her and she removed all but one of these photos. We were fine with this.

— In the Picture

DEAR IN >> These parents might also be waiting for their son to marry his girlfriend. Vic Lee Charles Schulz Dean Young and John Marshall