Even unwanted ‘gifts’ deserve a response

DEAR MISS MANNERS >> How would one go about staying polite when leaving an unpleasant situation, such as involuntarily receiving something unwanted or bad news? If I am pulled over for having a taillight out and receive a ticket, I don’t want to say “Thank you” or “Have a nice day” — because really, who wants a ticket? — but I’d still want to be respectful and polite.

GENTLE READER >> How about “I’m very sorry, officer, and I assure you it won’t happen again”? Miss Manners promises you that this is more effective than “Why aren’t you out catching real criminals?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS >> I volunteer with my local hospice, where I’m assigned one patient/family at a time who I visit weekly in the home, sometimes for many months. These relationships become very special and dear to all of us.

Many times the family will want to give me a gift at the holidays or at the end of the assignment. I explain that it’s against policy to take gifts, and try to encourage them to consider donating to the hospice.

Sometimes they insist, and, for one spouse, my polite refusal was adding to his grief. A couple times I’ve been given $100 gift cards, which I turned over to the volunteer coordinator so they could be given to patients/families in need. I sent thank-you notes to the families, but did not mention that I had given away the cards.

Is this the right thing to do? Is there anything I can say to refuse these gifts and still show my thanks for their allowing me to be part of such a difficult, yet precious, time?

GENTLE READER >> You are doing it. And you strike Miss Manners as the kind of person we would all want at our bedsides when dying.