Dad’s death creates distance

DEAR AMY >> Our father died last year. The youngest of four siblings became the estate’s executor.

On the day of the interment, “Bart,” our older brother, asked how soon he would receive his share of the estate.

I was shocked. I explained the process, which takes time.

Bart made the same inquiry over the course of several months. We suggested he hire a lawyer to explain the process if he did not believe what we were doing/saying, which unfortunately delayed things further.

Although we all received a partial distribution, Bart told our younger sibling that we would no longer have access to our teenage niece and nephew until Bart had received all of his money.

We are almost at the end of the process. Unfortunately, during that time, Bart became terminally ill. Given the timing, his spouse may be the person receiving his inheritance.

The executor and estate lawyer have done everything possible to accommodate his expectations. Meanwhile we have had no contact with our niece or nephew. We have sent cards and gifts, and heard nothing back.

Our hope is that someday, maybe even at “Bart’s” funeral, we will reunite with our niece and nephew. If this happens, how should we respond if they ask why we’ve been distant? — Perplexed Siblings

DEAR PERPLEXED >> I’m going to offer you some honest feedback about the situation you describe.

Your brother is terminally ill. Although he disclosed this more recently, it’s possible that he either suspected or knew about his illness when your father died. This would naturally have created some very complicated emotions, confusion and perhaps time pressure on his part.

It is also possible that his illness has disrupted, distorted or amplified his emotions and reactions. It would be generous of you and your other siblings to offer your brother every possible benefit of the doubt. I think you would all feel better if you did.

Yes, keep in touch with his children. After your brother’s death, let them know that, “For a bunch of complicated reasons, your dad didn’t want us to see you, and we have missed you very much.”

DEAR AMY >> Responding to the question from “Unmerry Christmas,” the grandparents who basically “crashed” the other in-laws’ Christmas brunch, we have learned that we need to be very flexible over the holidays. If parents and grandparents can just let go of jealousies and enjoy the time they have, these times can hold such very special memories.

My husband and I decided long ago, as our children started to marry and start their own families, that we would always try to be part of the solution, instead of part of the problem. — Happy Together

DEAR HAPPY >> And I assume your children are grateful. Well done.