Without love, a home is just housing
Love. We want it. We get it. We lose it. We try again. That’s because love is what binds us, beckons us, blinds us and brings us home. Love is why we have a home in the first place. Without love, a home is just housing. I’m bringing all this up because of Valentine’s Day. As a home (not house) columnist, I’m here to remind you that love is the glue in a home. It’s the foundation for our commitment, our attachment, our responsibilities and much of our behavior. Love is why we cook, clean, decorate and try to smell good. It’s what drives us to make a comfortable, welcoming nest.
Besides having a home that looks the way you want, your home should also make you feel better than anywhere else.
This week marks three years since I married DC. My toes still curl when I hear his car drive into the garage. That’s a good thing, which neither of us takes for granted. We’ve learned firsthand, marriages can end in death and divorce, so we take care of what we have.
One way we do that is with the 52 Rule. It works like this. Many couples see their roles as 50/50 partnerships, which leave little margin for error. When Partner A gets annoyed, he or she often pulls back to 48 percent, and waits for Partner B to step up. This bugs Partner B, who also starts giving only 48. The 4 percent gap becomes the divide where the love-eaters (tension and resentment) live.
However, when both partners give 52, not 50 or 48 — when they step up consistently, not back, when she empties the dishwasher though it’s his turn, when he makes the bed though she usually does,
when he brings her car home washed and full of gas, when she knows he has a jammed day and packs his favorite lunch, they create not a gap but an overlap, a grace zone where grudges can’t live.
I shared my 52 Rule with Dr. Jeannette Lofus, a New York-based psychologist, remarriage expert and founder of The Step Family Foundation.
“Absolutely right,” she said. “Acts of service are an often-overlooked love language that, when practiced, create a great buffer and make partners feel cherished.”
Here are five more ways Lofus suggests to keep the home fires burning, kick the love up a notch, and create a home that you and those you live with love to come home to:
• Make greetings warm. When your partner or your kids come in the door, make them feel welcome. Don’t sit staring at your phone, or laptop, the newspaper or the TV. Get up and greet them with a smile and a hug or kiss. “Make it a moment,” Lofus said.
• Create rituals. Routines are important for all families, especially for blended families, said Lofus, who notes that 64 percent of families today live in some form of divorced or stepfamily relationship. A common ritual at my house has always been the evening meal. Make it a point to sit down for a meal together, with no technology on the
table, and connect.
• Use excellent manners. Good manners aren’t just for your public side. Use them at home, too. Opening even the smallest request with “please” shows graciousness. Saying thank you often — thank you for making the coffee, or getting the door, or doing the dishes — expresses appreciation. Answering “You’re welcome” acknowledges the other’s gratitude. These small civilities create a culture of kindness.
• Make room. Every person in a home should have his or her own space. But if you’ve bled into a common area with your stuff, clear it when your partner comes in. “This literally shows you’re making room for the relationship,” Lofus said.
• Say it with flowers. You don’t need a dozen red roses each week. A bunch of daisies or other fresh flowers from the grocery store in a simple vase on the kitchen table says you care.
Happy Valentine’s Day — all year long.