Older mom drives, never arrives

DEAR AMY » Recently my nephew got married.

My mom RSVP’d for the wedding and made the five-hour drive with her husband to the city the wedding was in, but then didn’t attend the wedding and reception.

Her excuse was the fact that my stepfather had forgotten to pack dress clothes (there was no dress code for the wedding; jeans would have been acceptable).

The next day all of our family members had brunch at a local restaurant. Again, my mom RSVP’d “yes” for her and her husband, and then didn’t attend. This time her excuse was that she couldn’t find her sunglasses and therefore couldn’t drive to the restaurant. (My stepfather doesn’t drive, and my mom has macular degeneration, but my brother offered to pick them up.)

We had flown across the country to attend this wedding, and I resent that my mother didn’t even bother to see us.

This is not the first time my Mom has done this. When one of my mom’s nieces died, she made the five-hour drive and then didn’t attend the funeral. (I flew in to attend.) And a few months ago, her brother died, and she did not make the drive and did not attend the funeral.

What should I do? I am so angry that I feel like disowning my mom, but I realize that’s not rational or mature. DEAR UPSET » If your mother proactively declined every invitation and obligation, you would have a more obvious hook to hang your anger upon.

Here she is, driving for hours with macular degeneration (yikes!), trying mightily — in her way — to show up! And yet ... she can’t quite get there.

Your mother might be extremely socially anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted, or undermined by her husband. She might be self-conscious and afraid of facing questions or criticism. She might be wrestling with a serious medical issue that interferes with her functioning. She’s working very hard to show up for her family, and yet she cannot seem to face her family.

Your response to her should not be anger. You should be concerned.

Once it became clear that your mother and stepfather would not be showing up for these events, why didn’t you bother to hop in a car and pop over to check on them? She’s your mother. Maybe it’s time for you to show up for her.

DEAR AMY » “Expectant” was worried because her husband said he would be with his father for scheduled heart surgery instead of attending the birth of their first child.

I asked my husband what he would do if given the dilemma presented in your column.

My husband was very thoughtful and asked if the man’s mother was going to be there. It sounds like she will be. My husband then said, “Well, if the father has his wife for support, the son should support his spouse, too.” DEAR SUPPORTIVE » our husband makes a great point.