Daughter of the preacher despairs over toxic church
DEAR AMY >> My dad has been a preacher for 48 years and he’s been at his current assignment for more than 20 years.
My family and I attend the church that he leads, but I no longer want to because of the disrespectful way in which the members treat my parents and my own family.
My dad and I have spoken about the issues within the congregation and I’ve mentioned retirement several times, but he sees me as his child who should always support him by attending his church.
I dread services because it’s pretty much guaranteed that someone will make a hateful comment to me. Now they’ve added my young child to be on the receiving end of their wounding words, so I have been standing up for my child by letting people know that they are mean and are not being good Christians.
I informed my mom that I could not attend there anymore. She completely understands, but I’m not sure that my dad will be as accepting. My mom, my siblings and I are fed up and want our elderly dad to retire. How can I leave the church and find a new one without hurting my dad’s feelings? After 48 years in the ministry, how can I talk my aging father into retiring from the pulpit?— Concerned Daughter
DEAR CONCERNED >> Without question, some congregations do seem to be toxic, but this treatment — certainly toward clergy and family — seems extreme.
You grew up as part of your father’s flock. Naturally, he would miss you on Sundays. It is unrealistic for you to imagine that you could exit without hurting his feelings. You should handle this by being patient, understanding, stalwart and compassionate toward him.
You might soften this by reassuring him that you and your family will attend his church on holidays and feast days. Tell him, “I wish the congregation were nicer to you, Dad. It hurts me to see anyone being unkind toward you.”
Your exit might hasten his retirement. I don’t think you should pressure him.