She’s in love but loves being alone

DEAR AMY » I’m 52 years old, divorced for 10 years with youngadult children in their early 20s. For the first time in over 30 years I live completely alone.

And I love it!

My boyfriend of three years is 59, twice-divorced, with two adult kids. He has lived alone since his last divorce, five years ago.

We live about 45 minutes from each other, and we see each other at least once every weekend and for dinner one night during the week.

I work full time and also have other social engagements during the week. He is semiretired and works part time.

I truly love him, but I cherish my time alone.

He constantly says he misses me when we are apart, but I can’t reciprocate. I don’t want to lie and say I miss him too, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings, either.

Last winter he went on a trip with friends for two weeks, and I did miss him then. But I don’t miss him every day because I’m busy at work and with my own life. Can you love someone but still only need to be with them once a week? When I was 20, I’d want to be with my partner 24/7. At 52 I don’t. Is that just because I’m more comfortable with myself (I am) now than I was then? Or if it’s “true love,” should I want to be with him all the time?

Is there a nice way to say, “I don’t miss you, but I still love you”?

I welcome your thoughts, as well as those of your readers. DEAR SOLITARY » Many women in your age-cohort would envy your perfect situation. You’ve been married, you’ve raised children (partly on your own), you’ve likely spent your adulthood giving your all to the many people in your life. And now you want to be untethered, independent and on your own — most of the time.

When explaining my own need to be alone to my companionable husband, I quoted from Virginia Woolf’s famous essay, “A Room of One’s Own”: “Women have burnt like beacons in all the works of all the poets from the beginning of time.”

Burning like a beacon is affirmative. It is also depleting. Being alone allows a person to recharge, dance in her bathrobe and pluck her eyebrows in peace.

Being alone most of the time but with a standing date with someone you adore is ideal.

Like Glen Campbell’s “Wichita Lineman,” your guy “needs you more than wants you, and wants you for all time.” The right mate for you is a secure, grounded and loving man who can manage his own longing.

You should continue to be authentic and honest and, yes — tell your guy that you love him and that you also love this arrangement, just as it is.

Readers will want to weigh in (and also give me credit, I hope, for working both Glen Campbell and Virginia Woolf into a response).