Assault survivor still struggles

DEAR AMY » I am in the most loving relationship with the man I want to marry. We talk about marriage often.

He knows nearly everything about me. The last thing

— the thing he doesn’t know — is my protected secret.

Seven years ago, I was raped in college. Few people knew, even then. It took me years to admit it.

Lately, I have felt guilty that I have not told my love this deep secret, not because it is painful for me to talk about (I’ve suppressed it enough to numb it) but because I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that won’t make him feel blindsided, confused or even angry.

I feel like it’s something he needs to know, and I feel like I am hiding something, but I know I shouldn’t feel this way.

How do I position this and bring it up in conversation?

DEAR PROTECTED » First of all, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you went through this. Understand that you get to feel however you feel, including feelings of guilt, sadness and anxiety. The way you process this will likely change over time.

My own take is that you might start by reframing — to yourself — the language you are using to describe your rape. You think of it as a “deep dark secret.” It is something you are hiding.

Change your vocabulary. Remove words that suggest shame and secrecy. You are a rape survivor. Your rape does not define you. Your healing defines you. Your healthy relationships, your healthy sense of self, your personal, creative or professional successes — these things all define you.

And so no, you should not “position this and bring it up in conversation.” Rape is not something you bring up in conversation. It IS the conversation.

This is going to sound pedestrian, but I am a firm believer in practicing as a way to prepare yourself for a challenging experience or conversation.

Write down your thoughts.

Choose a time and space where you feel comfortable and where neither of you will be distracted.

I suggest starting with: “I have something to talk to you about. This is hard for me and so I hope you’ll bear with me while I get through it. When I’m done, if you have questions, I’ll do my best to answer them.”

If you two have a loving future together (I assume you do), your and his stories — joyful and heartbreaking — go along with you.

Remember this: So many survivors stand alongside you. I hope you can picture an army of supportive survivor-warriors who all have your back.

You would benefit from professional counseling and also group support. Contact RAINN.org for online and telephone counseling.