DNA match creates confusion
DEAR AMY >> A relative contacted me on an ancestry site after learning that we were cousins (most likely first cousins, once removed).
We had no knowledge of each other and excitedly exchanged information about ourselves and our families. Eventually, though, she wanted specific names of male relatives who, presumably, might be her birth father.
She was not adopted and was raised by two parents (presumably, the father who raised her didn’t know he was not her biological father).
At that point I explained that I did not feel comfortable giving names and asked if she could speak with her mother about this, however uncomfortable that might be.
I truly felt I’d gone as far as I could, ethically speaking.
My cousins (one of whom might be her biological father) are married, and I had their lives to consider in this genetic search process.
After declining to provide names of family members, I never heard from her again, which grieves me.
Now I’m left wondering: In this age of DNA discoveries, what are our obligations to family members, whether they be known or hidden? What is ethical here? — Curious Cousin
DEAR CURIOUS >> This is a great question, and it — and others like it — are emerging as DNA discoveries unearth family secrets.
I agree with how you’ve handled this. You chose to register on this site and communicate with this long-lost cousin. Your other relatives have not made the same choice, and you don’t have the right to reveal their identities without permission.
You could force this issue into the open by saying to your relatives: “I have been contacted by a previously unknown cousin through a DNA site. She is eager to reach out to other family members. If you are interested in communicating with her, let me know and I will give you her contact information.” I’m not advocating for this approach, but it is an option that offers your relatives the same choice you have faced.
You could also reach out to your cousin again in order to stay in touch, without changing your own choice about disclosure.
DEAR AMY >> Thank you, thank you for your response to “Tightrope Walker,” whose co-worker had survived a suicide attempt.
Yes, after a crisis, it is such a relief to interact with people in a “normal” capacity. Not directly addressing the crisis isn’t being in denial. It is demonstrating that you see the survivor as more than their illness. — Been There
DEAR BEEN THERE >> Reentry is so hard after a personal crisis. Thank you for your wisdom.
Email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.