Wedding guests put off by cash grab

DEAR AMY >> The son of a friend is getting married in March.

He and his fiancee have lived together for several years.

Both are 30-ish and employed.

They are planning an expensive wedding, followed by an expensive honeymoon to Thailand, and have established a registry asking for funding for their honeymoon or future home.

As we are not interested in contributing to these expenses, would it be appropriate to make a contribution to a charity in honor of their nuptials?

Under the circumstances, we plan to save our money by declining the wedding invitation, afraid that a kitty jar might be passed to pay for the ceremony. — Perplexed

DEAR PERPLEXED >> If this couple registered for a slow cooker from Crate and Barrel, would you decline to give it to them, believing that because they are employed and living together they don’t actually deserve to receive something specifically because they’ve asked for it?

My point is that the idea behind registries has always been to try to give the couple something that they actually want.

Even though you balk at the idea of contributing money to a prosperous couple, in some cultures, after a wedding — regardless of the social status of the couple — people place money in an envelope and hand it directly to the bride. Others use “money trees” on their gift table, and some guests pin cash onto a metal tree for the couple to use to defray expenses.

Less-obvious requests for cash are honeymoon registries, which have become quite popular. My favorite registries involve specific items you can purchase for the couple to enjoy while on their honeymoon trip, such as “zip-lining through the rainforest” or “an afternoon of surfing.”

Using one of these registries, I contributed for a honeymooning couple to have coffee and croissants at a cafe during their trip to Paris. They sent me a postcard from their trip, thanking me for the gift.

Just because a registry is set up, a guest is not obligated to use it. In fact, because you intend to skip this wedding, you are not obligated to give the couple anything.

However, you can pat yourself on the back, because contributing to a worthy nonprofit is always a good idea, even if doing so is more passive-aggressive than generous.

DEAR AMY >> In a recent column, you replied to a question from “Desperate,” a medical student who was torn between her desire to live a small-town life, and her longtime boyfriend’s need to live in a big city.

In your list of metropolitan areas that seem to offer the benefits of both bigcity life and proximity to beautiful nature, you mentioned my town of Portland, Oregon.

Sure, we appreciate the shoutout, but please don’t send any more people here, Amy. We’re all full up. — Happy in Portland

DEAR HAPPY >> And your response is ... full-on Portlandish.