Brother cheats on an epic level

DEAR AMY >> My brother has recently fathered a child.

I love the baby, my brother and the woman he is with. Except, it isn’t one woman. It’s never just one woman.

My brother has a history of womanizing and being with many women at once.

My family and I usually grow attached to the primary woman he’s with, only to have them hate us in the end because they find out about his cheating and we “never told them.”

I don’t want that to happen with the mother of this baby, but how do I approach this?

On one hand, I say something to the poor girl, and I break my brother’s trust.

On the other, if I don’t say anything, I break her trust.

Either way, it seems I’m stuck in a tidal wave of drama. Is there a way I can at least lessen the storm? — A Morally Confused Sister

DEAR MORALLY CONFUSED >> You see this as a matter of trust-breaking — or perhaps the other principals involved gaslight you into believing that you have a duty to either keep or disclose secrets. You are not in charge of policing your adult brother. You don’t owe it to either party to tell — or lie.

You have to imagine that the women your brother chooses must have some awareness of his womanizing, because — presumably — he is cheating on someone else when he takes up with them.

Because there is a baby in the picture, the stakes are different now, and you might give your wonderful brother a heads-up by telling him, “I just want you to know that the next time I find out you’re cheating, I’m not going to keep your secret for you.” You could also say to the woman, “My brother has a history of cheating on his partners. I hope he behaves differently with you.”

Unfortunately, this does not keep you out of the tidal wave of drama — it means you would be surfing on the first wave. And, I assure you, if you tell a woman your brother is cheating on her, she could find a way to blame you (or “hate” you), anyway.

Plant your family flag with this baby, and assume that at some point your brother will cheat. If you want (or feel forced) to declare your loyalty in order to maintain a close relationship with the child and its mother, you might say to him, “Um ... this time, I choose her.”

DEAR AMY >> “Caring Friend” reported that her dear friend was about to enter into a “green card” same-sex marriage. I disagree with your response. These marriages are wrong and illegal. This friend should call him out. — Upset

DEAR UPSET >> This socalled “green card” relationship was actually a genuine “love connection” — at least on one man’s part. I agree that there were many red flags here, but blaming and shaming wouldn’t serve the greater good.