Future stepmom doesn’t want to create Cinderfella
DEAR READERS >> Every year I step away from my daily column to work on other creative projects. I’ve gathered some topical “Best
Of” columns from
10 years ago. (Some content has been lightly edited.) I’ll be back in two weeks with fresh columns.
DEAR AMY >> My fiance and his 12-year-old son recently moved in with me, and I want to set some household boundaries without coming across like an evil stepmom.
My stepson-to-be is a good kid, but doesn’t do the little things around the house that I would like him to do, like pushing in his chair after dinner, putting his own dishes in the dishwasher after a meal, putting the toilet seat down, taking out the garbage (his chore) unless asked, etc.
I’m agreeable (although I am used to order and like things neat), but think that if we’re going to keep the house clean and presentable, we can each do our part.
On the other hand, I can also see these requests coming across as controlling, and I want to try to avoid that. His dad is supportive of anything I ask and will ask his son to do these things if I ask him to. Any suggestions? — Stepmom-to-be
DEAR STEPMOM >> This adolescent is doing what all kids his age do. Sometimes he’ll remember to do things without prompting, and sometimes he’ll forget. Sometimes he’ll be agreeable and sometimes, not so much. You should not waste your real authority and interrupt the positive growth of this relationship over something as trivial as neglecting to push in a chair after eating.
Stepparents have a tricky role to play in the life of a child. The first thing you should establish is your warmth, trust, affection and friendship. This takes time. After trust is established, the authority will flow from that.
For the initial period of your cohabiting, his father should review the rules of the house with him and face the music in terms of any pushback. You should see him as the primary parent, and you as a supportive backup.
A good relationship is more important than an orderly home. Give the boy time to adjust, and give him credit when he does well.