Husband worries about wife’s DEFCON reactions

DEAR AMY >> My wife and I have been married for 31 years. We have four adult children — the oldest is 30, the youngest is 22.

Over the course of the last year, my wife has changed drastically and dramatically. I do not know if the cause is menopause, or the change in our relationship, but the one thing that has been causing me angst is her declaration that she finds all of our kids annoying and that she doesn’t want to talk with them anymore.

She goes to DEFCON 1 over the slightest thing. My children have all expressed dismay at this change.

When my wife and I talk about this, she says she just wants to concentrate on us, and no longer cares about the kids. This has resulted in a lot of walking on eggshells for the kids and me.

She has told me that she doesn’t want to go to counseling. I know I am going to have to go by myself.

My concern is that this might break up the family, as I cannot satisfy her and our children. I want to save our family. — Hurting Husband

DEAR HURTING >> You mention menopause and “the change in our relationship” as possible causes for your wife’s extreme behavior. I’m going to assume that all four kids have left the nest, and you and your wife are now alone. Together.

Your wife may want to distance herself from the children, but if she tries to control your relationship with them, this is an emergent red flag and you should react quickly. Do not let her isolate you.

It can’t feel good to her to be at DEFCON 1 so often (this is military terminology describing the highest level of alert and readiness).

This drastic change in temperament is worrying; she should get a thorough medical checkup as soon as possible. Yes, maybe her behavior is hormonally charged (there is a reason menopause is often referred to as “the change”), but an underlying illness or brain disorder could be the cause of this extreme behavior. For now, definitely pursue counseling on your own. It might be safest for you to temporarily separate.