How to avoid misgendering
DEAR MISS MANNERS
>> I am a teacher, and part of my job is contacting the parents or guardians of students having academic difficulties. I obtain the contact information from an internal school website. Often, the listed first names of parents are (at least to me) gender indeterminate, and I don’t know whether to start the email with “Mr.” or “Ms.” Using “Dear Mr./ms.” seems insensitive and borderline offensive.
I imagine this dilemma affects people in non-teaching occupations, as well. Do you have a suggestion on how to deal with this sometimes-awkward issue? GENTLE READER >> Seize the opportunity to use “M.,” with or without an ambiguous squiggle. With any luck, this neutral honorific will catch on and we can begin to obliterate the often-misgendering labels.
People may be confused at first, possibly wondering if you believe that you are addressing a French gentleman, but if we can all push through the awkward phase, we may be on our way to updating society.
By way of thanks, however, please have the courtesy not to point out that Miss Manners herself is still part of the antiquated tradition.
DEAR MISS MANNERS >> After social events at our home — barbecues, dinner parties, holidays — I always send our guests a note to thank them for coming (and for their side dish, dessert, wine, etc., if they brought something). Unless it’s a very casual event like a weekend cookout, I send written notes. (For lastminute or casual events, I’ll send individual emails.)
My partner feels this is inappropriate and a waste of paper and stamps, and that it is the guests’ responsibility to thank the hosts, not vice versa. I believe that a) it’s a few minutes and a pittance; b) I really am glad they were there; and c) what’s wrong with a few more thank-you notes in the world?
He also worries that it sounds like I’m fishing for a reciprocal invite, though I never say anything beyond a neutral “I hope we’ll be seeing you again soon!” GENTLE READER >> Reluctant as she is to condemn a thank-you letter, Miss Manners has to agree with your husband — although not for his reasons.
To thank your guests for coming not-so-subtly points out that they have yet to thank you. Perhaps better to call and have a good gossip over the evening, giving them the chance to thank you for it then. You may commence an unrelated written correspondence anytime after that.
DEAR MISS MANNERS >> My brother-in-law sends group texts — mainly to his family, whom I have never met, but I’m included. I find it rude and invasive, plus I don’t like getting constant texts from people I don’t know. It’s similar to partyline phones from when I was very young.
I constantly delete these texts. How do I let him know I don’t want to be included?
GENTLE READER >> “New phone, who is this?”