New husband, old problems
DEAR AMY >> I married my wife a few months ago. She and I have been friends for 33 years.
She has three sons, ages 22, 17 and 15.
For the most part, they are all good kids, however, they have never been given any responsibilities. Ever. Our house constantly looks like a war zone — there are clothes everywhere, dishes in the sink, and they wrestle with each other until all hours of the night.
I tried to put my foot down and assign responsibilities and chores for them to help us out, but they never follow through. My wife and I are constantly picking up, cooking and then cleaning up after them.
I am burnt out!
The oldest has recently dropped out of college and lives with us, paying no expenses. I think he should be paying rent and his car insurance since he is no longer in school, but his mother won’t have it.
We are struggling to pay our bills, and this is causing friction between us. I get upset with the kids, and then my wife gets upset at me for saying something to them.
Am I wrong for feeling angry? How do I get my wife to cut the cord and realize that I am just trying to help them to become responsible adults?
DEAR MR. NICE GUY >> The dynamic you describe was already established when you chose to officially enter the family. If you hoped that things would magically change when you got married, then — well, you were wrong.
Instead of being your partner, your wife has partnered primarily with her sons, and your assigned role is to assist her in making sure they grow up to be entitled manboys, who have little respect for their surroundings, and no life skills.
These sons are behaving exactly as they have been taught. A 10-year-old can make his bed, load the dishwasher and learn how to make pancakes for the family. Yes, even teens will do their jobs (reluctantly) if there are consistent consequences attached to both positive and negative behavior. High-functioning families work as a team, understanding that their daily health and happiness is interconnected.
For things in your household to change, your (new) marriage will have to change. Your wife will have to agree to put the marriage at the center of the family system. She will have to stand alongside you, instead of undermining you.
You and she should have a heartfelt talk, not about the kids, but about your marriage, and how devalued you feel. This book should help you to get started: “Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship,” by relationship researchers John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman (2007, Harmony).