Fighting parents upset teen
DEAR AMY >> My parents have been fighting a lot. It scares me because
I love them so much and I don’t know what I would do without either one of them.
I have tried to talk to both of them privately, but they act like everything is fine, when I know it isn’t. I know that times are tough for all of us and maybe we could all just use some time by ourselves, but I really don’t know what to do. Should I also act like everything is all right, or should I try to talk to them about it again, when I know they will say that it doesn’t concern me and that I shouldn’t worry about it? — Scared Teen
DEAR SCARED >> First this: Your folks have done a great job, raising a sensitive, concerned and empathetic child.
Your folks are feeling the stress, and so are you. You may be noticing a dynamic between them that has actually been going on for a while (because you are all spending more time together), or they are feeling financial, workplace or family worries that you aren’t aware of.
Bickering happens. Arguing happens. And this affects you — of course it does — but your folks are right
— it likely doesn’t have much, if anything, to do with you. It does concern you, however, because you love them both and you want to live in a peaceful and stable household. You need to feel safe.
You have already spoken to each of your parents, but you deserve more reassurance, and so you should try to speak with both of them, together.
You cannot solve their problems for them, but you have the right to speak your own truth, and so you should try to tell them how their actions affect you. Use “I statements”: “I’m worried because you seem to be arguing a lot.” “When you fight it makes me feel ...” (anxious, upset, afraid).
It might help for you to write down your thoughts in advance, and if you don’t believe you can have this conversation with both of them together, you can give them both a copy of your written thoughts. I hope your concern inspires them to behave differently, for everyone’s sake.
If you find yourself overwhelmed by this and other stresses in your life, please reach out for help. Crisis Text Line has a round-the-clock staff of empathetic and helpful counselors, all available via text. Store this number in your phone: 741-741 (I have it in mine), and text if you need to talk.
DEAR AMY >> Thank you for calling out the couple signing their letter “Too Close.” They were excessively selfish for insisting that their friends needed to immediately attend to their needs, regardless of the current health crisis, which places everyone at risk. — Sheltering
Email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.