Isolation has worn down wife
DEAR AMY>> I have been married for
20 years (no kids).
It has been a good marriage and we’ve worked at it.
Now I am befuddled. Ever since the pandemic hit, my wife has stopped wearing makeup or dressing up. Intimacy has stopped. Hugging and kissing has to be initiated by me. Even showers are optional, sometimes.
My wife has an extensive collection of clothes and shoes that she loved wearing on weekends.
Well, Amy, all of that has stopped. I feel like she is a shell of what she used to be. I am not sure what to do. Now she will wear the same jeans for three days in a row. She provides vague excuses and reasons that don’t make sense to me.
She is now obsessed with her job. She works from home and that seems to be the only thing that gets any emotion from her.
I get the feeling that she doesn’t even recognize that she is doing any of this.
Is this a warning sign of something? Any advice?
— Pandemic Pandemonium
DEAR PANDEMONIUM >> First, a confession: Yesterday I attended the first (outdoor) family gathering in four months. In the course of trying to get (appropriately) dressed, I realized that I had almost forgotten how.
My point is that when the weekdays blend into the weekends, there seems to be little reason to change out of those threeday jeans. It has also been a weird time when we women watch our gray roots grow out, go without getting our teeth cleaned, don’t wear makeup or lipstick (what’s the point, behind a mask?) and don’t have the experience of primping for an important board meeting, or night out.
Also, being socially isolated is extremely hard on many people — in ways they may not be able to recognize or express. Your wife may be distracted, anxious and depressed — as many people are right now. (Her change in hygiene is one sign.) Urge her to check in with her doctor to be screened for depression.
You might be able to coax her toward you by initiating an outing. Pack a picnic. Go to a nice outdoor spot where you two can sit together, take in some new scenery (including each other), and reconnect. Celebrate your private blessings. Start to make plans, pointed toward that time when the world will be fully open.
DEAR AMY>> “Blessed Dad” had a helpful and courteous cousin living with his household during the pandemic, but he wondered if she should pray aloud with the family at mealtime.
If only one person in that particular household could appreciate the many forms an answer to a prayer can look like, perhaps he wouldn’t feel that employing structural reinforcements to his own personal faith were necessary.
— Davis
S AR SAVIS >> Amen!
Email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.