Layabout son needs to get out

S AR AMY >> My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He has a son, “Franklin,” who is 20.

Franklin works a few hours a week at a restaurant, with no aspirations to go to school or get a full-time job.

Prior to him turning 18, he would split his time equally between his mother’s house and ours, which worked out well.

Now he spends five days at our house and two days at his mother’s house. He sleeps all day and is awake all night playing video games (loudly, I might add).

He does nothing to help, nor does he pay any rent.

I believe he is required to do some chores at his mother’s, which I am assuming is why he chooses to mainly live with us. My husband and I have demanding jobs (60-plus hours per week), and we could use some help around the house. My husband is defensive about this situation.

Finally, last week, we both sat down with Franklin. He is supposed to clean his room, change his sleeping schedule, help with the yardwork and the dishes, and stay half the time with his mother.

The first day, he picked up his room. It is now 10 days later. He is back to staying here five days a week. It is 4:30 p.m., and he is still sleeping, even though he is supposed to be working.

I am very resentful. Although my name is on the deed and I have put thousands of dollars into the house, I feel this is not my home, as I have no say in the living arrangements. — No Peace of Mind

S AR NO P AM >> It is hard to be a stepparent, especially when you are assigned (or assume) such a tangential role with your family.

However, you entered the household when “Franklin” was 10. He is now 20. You co-own the house you all live in and you contribute to Franklin’s support in many ways. You are one of Franklin’s parents!

It doesn’t seem to have occurred to you or your husband that you two are basically holding this young man back and contributing to his delinquency.

Franklin will NEVER help with housework, because he has never faced reasonable expectations and proportional consequences.

He needs to be out on his own, where he will more directly determine his own destiny. You should calmly state your expectation to both your husband and your stepson. His 21st birthday would be a reasonable deadline. A counselor could help you to sort out the inevitable tension about this.

S AR AMY >> Thank you for your thoughtful response to “Mindful,” the husband who was “patrolling his wife’s feelings.” You pointed out that “family members are great at noticing patterns” in behavior.

So true! I wish my family members had as much respect for my insights into their behavior. — Sister

S AR SIST R >> Your tone might be sardonic, but I reckon you’ve got some real wisdom to share.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@ amydickinson.com.