Falling for friend with benefits

S AR AMY >> Iama 26-year-old woman in a “friends with benefits” relationship with “Paul” (age 28).

Paul and I had clearly agreed on casual sex and a nostrings-attached formula, but it seems like I have fallen for him.

He is the perfect man I had always imagined my partner to be.

I think he also has feelings for me, but maybe he is too scared to show his affection and to tell me how he really feels.

He often talks about how much he likes me and at the same time brings up his other love interests. This puts me in a very confused state.

I do not know if he really loves me or is just playing games with me.

How do I know if this man really loves me?

— Confused

S AR MONyUS S >> Your question illustrates the idea that — for some people — expressing honesty and emotional intimacy seems to be more challenging than tolerating the uncertainty and other related risks of having casual sex.

The storyline that you and “Paul” are currently enacting is age-old. It is the stuff of rom-coms and romance novels (“Bridgerton,” anyone?).

If you are bold enough, you could undertake the important developmental experience of jumping off the emotional cliff by simply telling the truth. After doing so, you will inspire either a delightful and surprising expression of same, an upsetting (but brief) confession that your feelings are not reciprocated, or an expression of a muddled in-between where he tells you that he just doesn’t know how he feels.

Telling the truth about your own emotions is lovely and liberating, as long as you understand that cannot control the outcome.

No matter what Paul says in response, pay attention to what he does. Because sex does not automatically translate into love, you should observe whether he wants to spend time with you doing nonsexual things: Walks, talks, coffee dates, and watching movies. If he doesn’t choose non-sexual friendship and companionship, then you have your answer.

S AR AMY >> My kids love my cooking and often give me gifts that support my hobby.

This Christmas, one son gave me a recently published cookbook. It is a niche gift, and I know he put a lot of thought into choosing it for me. While I was very happy with it, I had bought the book for myself about a month before.

What do you do in a situation where you get a gift of something you already own? Do you say thank you and not mention that you have that item already or do you tell them you do?

— Etiquette Challenged

S AR MHALL NG S >> In this case, I think you should tell your son, “Well, this shows that you really do ‘get’ me, because I had already purchased the same book, and I love it!

Would you mind if I returned it for a different cookbook? I’ll do so with you in mind and promise to make you a dish from it.”