The Mercury News
Baby’s mama seeks Mr. Right
Iama 35-year-old woman.
I had my first child with my boyfriend eight months ago.
We were not planning on having a child together
(we had only been dating for three months), but he has done an amazing job in stepping up. He does not want to get married or have any more kids.
I feel conflicted about trying to make the relationship work to keep my family together while my child is young, but I also want to find someone who wants what I want.
Given my age (I am “geriatric” in the labor and delivery world), I feel like if I don’t have another child now, it will be too late.
But also, dating is the worst, and I am not sure I would meet anyone.
Do I accept that my son will be my only child and I will never get married, or should I risk breaking up my family for the small chance that I might meet someone who wants marriage and more children?
Should I be happy I had a least one child with a decent man?
— Ms. Confused
SARMONYUSS >> Yes, you should be happy you have had a child with a decent man. But this is not the end of your story — your story is just beginning!
You seem to be extremely and needlessly agitated regarding your future. Perhaps it is because a doctor slapped a “geriatric” label on you at the age of 35. This is a disservice to you, because it seems to have made you panic, during the very time of your baby’s early life when you should be learning to live in the moment.
Because your baby’s father doesn’t want to get married or have more children with you, perhaps you and he should mindfully transition into an amicable, mutually supportive co-parenting arrangement and you should both consider yourself available to other relationships.
You should also assume that you will NOT meet the perfect person who will want to marry you and have a child within the next couple of years. However, you could choose to have another child on your own, through sperm donation or adoption.
What you don’t want to do is convey to your child that your family is incomplete until Mr. Wonderful comes along and is able to fulfil your goals.
There are many ways to have more children, including the way I did it, which was to joyfully acquire four additional stepdaughters, after being a single mother for 17 years.
My point is that you can lay out your plans, but the world might have other ideas.
S AR AMY >> I continue to be amazed that you can get some answers so right, and others so WRONG, sometimes in the same column!
S AR yRUSTRAT S >> An answer isn’t necessarily “right” just because you agree with it, and an answer might not be wrong, just because you hold a different view.
All the same, I like to leave space for readers to disagree.