Online gaming or virtual dating?

DEAR AMY >> My significant other (of 20 years) has had what I consider an emotional affair with a girl he met online a couple of months ago, playing an online spaceship game.

He swears that it is nothing, and I’m blowing things out of proportion, and she’s “just a friend.”

I happened to use his phone as a flashlight one night recently, and it was left open, revealing a “chat” session between them.

He lied to her about buying things for me (although he is currently unemployed) and told her he loved her.

Those words bother me greatly, and he continues to say it is nothing.

He has broken plans with me to play other (exclusive) games with her, and if I join his group of friends to play, he shares inside jokes with her while I’m there and he ignores me.

I am trying to decide if this should be a deal breaker, as he refuses to see my side, or that it hurts me to hear that “I love you” is apparently a meaningless phrase to him, that I thought was used for me and his very longtime friends.

How can I approach this subject with him so he actually hears my concerns, or should I just end things now and cut my losses? — Confused

and Hurt

DEAR CONFUSED >> At the risk of being obvious, I wonder if playing online “spaceship” games is the best use of your (unemployed) guy’s time.

I don’t think his online friendship is necessarily a deal breaker for your impressively long relationship, but it might be one more symptom of a larger problem between you.

This is about being too immature or self-involved to recognize how his behavior affects and hurts his partner’s feelings.

For your relationship to survive, you both should regroup and discuss ways to come together.

DEAR AMY >> My brother’s daughter has decided to marry an ex-convict who has spent nearly half of his life in prison for rape, assault, destruction of property and other crimes.

She is a grown woman in her 40s and has never been married. My brother and sister-in-law haven’t said much about it, and I’m not sure what their feelings are.

In the meantime, my son and his fiance are planning their wedding, and have stated quite adamantly that they will not invite him to the wedding — nor will they attend any family gathering at which he is present.

I’m not sure how to handle this.

— Terribly Troubled

DEAR TROUBLED >> Your son is an adult. He is making adult-sized decisions about the people he wants to have relationships with, and who he would like to avoid. This is not only his right, but his responsibility.

In the future, when it comes to family gatherings, your son is going to have to make inquiries to see if this man will be present, and then make his own choice.

He and his fiance have every right to control the guest list for their wedding, however, and you should not interfere.