Memory lapses hurt marriage

DEAR AMY >> For many months while dealing with health and mobility issues,

I’ve noticed that my husband has had odd lapses of memory. Nothing about these incidents indicated potential harm of self or of others, but they were/are completely out of character, quite dissimilar in nature, and seem random.

We have been married for a long time and have been seeing a couple’s counselor regarding issues related to connecting with one another.

As my concern grew, I tried to discuss this with my physician, but she declined, saying she could only discuss my health issues — not his.

I also approached our counselor, but he said that discussing this with him would be a breach of the “couple” aspect, and not appropriate. This made sense to me.

I decided to contact my husband’s doctor.

Due to the delicate nature of the issue, I specifically said this has to be confidential, and the information cannot be from me.

At my husband’s next appointment, his doctor said, “Your wife is concerned about your ...” and told him! When my husband came home, he told me about it.

I’m floored, feel betrayed, and do not yet know what the impact of this breach of confidentiality will be on our marriage/relationship.

Should I talk to my husband about this?

— Lost, Alone, Worried

DEAR LOST >> I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Your husband’s physician should not have promised anonymity. Presumably your husband’s cognitive changes wouldn’t have surfaced during the course of a typical checkup. How else would the doctor have known enough about these changes to ask your husband about them, without someone else notifying him?

If your relationship with your husband were in a better place, you would go through this together — as a rough patch that you would encounter and struggle through as a team.

If you weren’t feeling so defensive and anchored to your own feelings of betrayal, you would realize that the cat’s out of the bag, and now you can try to approach this as a supportive partner.

Yes, talk to your husband. His challenges might be a result of medications he is taking, or an undiagnosed issue that requires further investigation.

DEAR AMY >> Reflecting on the letter from “Sad Colorado Mom” and her exclusionary “popularity contest” for her middle school students, I know teaching is hard because I am a retired teacher. I, however, sought out all kids, including the quiet, shy, and awkward kids. I knew they needed me most. I found creative ways to help them feel heard and valued. Years later, I received letters of appreciation. That has been my greatest reward and changed me forever. — Retired Teacher

DEAR TEACHER >> Add my appreciation to those of your former students.