Nudge, don’t kick, to the curb

DEAR AMY >> My stepson is 22 years old. He has a room at his mother’s house and at my house, but he mostly stays with his girlfriend at her place.

Still, he expects that we just “hold” his room with all his things hanging in the closet for whenever he wants to drop in, and he doesn’t give any advance notice.

Part of this problem is obviously my husband’s “divorced dad” guilt. This is his only son, and his youngest child.

When my husband and I moved to a new home that we bought together I hoped it would change.

The son was really helpful after the move, but then disappeared to stay elsewhere. Otherwise, when he is at our home, he helps out minimally.

I’ve taken to just not making him “comfortable” here, but that feels really passive-aggressive.

We’ve joked with him about moving out, but his dad won’t just “kick him to the curb,” which I think is an exaggeration since he has three homes.

I’m feeling very resentful. He has quit his studies a few times, quit his scholarship money, and put his mom into debt cosigning for student loans.

He has a decent paying job in construction now and just can’t grow up!

I don’t understand this, because my kids (like me) were dying to get out on their own at 19 and 20.

Do I just sit and simmer? My husband and I have talked it over so many times and I feel it’s my husband’s place to make it happen.

Your advice?

— Stepped On

DEAR STEPPED ON >> You want your stepson to “just grow up,” but it sounds as if he is growing up. His path has been crooked, but if he is working hard at a full-time job, then I predict that his bouncing back and forth will gradually slow down until he feels secure enough (financially and otherwise) to land in his own home.

His girlfriend (or another partner) will likely influence him to put down firmer roots away from his bedrooms in his parents’ houses, but I think you should be patient for now.

My (perhaps counterintuitive) sense is that young men tend to start their adulthoods a little later than young women, especially if they have options.

You might help to inspire some new behavior by saying, “You really do need to call before you show up. It throws me off when you turn up and I’m not expecting you.”

Prompting him to call is reminding him that he doesn’t live with you, and so his presence in the home should be more at your discretion than his. It’s a small step toward liberation.

If he doesn’t land somewhere else within the next year, you and his father should give him a firmer push — not a shove, and not a kicking to the curb, but perhaps helping him to find an apartment that he can afford.