Sis struggles to support sibling
DEAR AMY >> I have had a horrific pandemic year: Pandemic, breast cancer diagnosis, a child with depression, suicide ideation and a long stay in a psychiatric facility for them — and our business almost failed. All of these have turned out OK, but we are still reeling.
My sister tends to be extremely self-centered. She tried a little to be supportive, but I really got tired of the hug and heart emojis she sent me as support.
Ialsogottiredofher telling me how great I looked.
Neither of those are very supportive gestures from a 50-year-old woman.
When I told my family about our business failing, she texted back saying how helpless she felt ... blah, blah, blah.
She relies on me visiting our parents, even though she goes on vacation.
We don’t have the greatest sister relationship.
She just had a personal health crisis that was scary and worrisome, and I am finding it really hard to send her support.
I am still dealing with all of my traumas and I don’t know how to ignore my resentments toward her. There is only so much I can handle right now.
I guess I keep hoping that at some point she will grow up and we could have a better relationship. She is better now than she was 15 years ago.
Any ideas? — Struggling
DEAR STRUGGLING >> Your choices in responding to this sister are:
• Do nothing, which changes nothing (you continue to stew in your juice and resent her).
• Send her a few hug and heart emojis as a passive-aggressive “see how
YOU like it” gesture.
• Or give her a call and spend a few minutes compassionately listening and commiserating.
I think the key to some of your own healing lies behind Door No. 3. It’s a version of the ancient “Golden Rule.”
Your sister might respond to any supportive gesture by wallowing in her own self-pity and demanding more from you (that’s how immature and self-centered people tend to behave when they’re knocked down), and if so, you’ll have to calmly put yourself first.
Your own traumas and tribulations have seasoned you to the point of bitterness. This is a normal and human response but being deliberately kind to someone else for a few moments will lift you and take some of that bitterness away.