Say ‘no’ to pushy houseguests

S ARAMY>> How does one gently say

“no” to an acquaintance who calls and wants to visit my area and stay in my home?

They have visited in the past and I am accommodating, but I have kept my actual feelings quiet, so they will be surprised when I say “no.”

They are very demanding and judgmental, so I am stressed out just thinking about them visiting. They have a strong personality and will badmouth me to mutual friends if I do not comply.

In recent years I have allowed them to enter into my life, only to wish I hadn’t.

I know I am being used, but their wrath is something I want to avoid.

I know I need to get a backbone about this, but I don’t know how to say no with a valid reason.

What is a good way to say no — gently?

— Anonymous

S AR ANONYMOUS >> I know it must be summer because I’ve received several questions about how to say “no” to houseguests.

My overall advice is to issue a solid “no” attached to a vague rationale, because pushy houseguests have a talent for driving right through specific explanations, excuses and details.

For instance, You: “I’m sorry but I can’t host you. I have a conference that week.”

Them: “I’ll switch my dates to the following week.”

You: “My cat Thomas is allergic to people.”

Them: “That’s OK — you can put Thomas in a kennel.”

You: “The floor in my guest bedroom is being refinished.”

Them: “No problem

— I’ll just stay in your room. You can sleep on the kitchen floor.”

Because you are clearly not going to confront this person, try saying, “Sorry, but I’m not going to host this summer.”

If they press you for a reason, you can say, “There are a lot of reasons. Mainly, I just don’t feel up to it.”

Surely the only silver lining to this lengthy tragedy of a global pandemic is the altered perspective we’ve gained from the experience.

Life is too precious to spend even a portion of it laying out the guest towels for toxic people.

S ARAMY>> Regarding the mother-in-law who just wanted to drop in on her daughter-in-law (with a baby) without calling first, I was that mother who also requested that people, mostly my mother-inlaw, stop coming by unexpectedly.

I am a private person. I am an only child from a small family. I tried to be delicate about it, but she was very mad and did not speak to us for over three months.

My husband did tell his mom to back off and after the three-month hiatus, she and I managed to work things out.

She learned to respect my needs and I hers. We also moved out of state, which I think helped a lot.

S AR K NTH R >> Yes, moving out of state would definitely solve the “pop-in” problem.